


tsunami

by tsumilkys



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Depression, M/M, Mutual Pining, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Post-Canon, Roommates, Slow Burn, and they were ROOMMATES, college student kuroo, streamer kenma kozume, theres and intro chapter that explains the premise much better than my shitty summary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:13:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26590435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsumilkys/pseuds/tsumilkys
Summary: Kenma Kozume has a secret.What will ensue when his roommate/childhood best friend, Kuroo Tetsurou, finds out?[ON HIATUS - WILL RETURN]
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 37
Kudos: 76





	1. an introduction;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: pretty girl by clario]  
> [i could be a pretty girl, ill wear a skirt for you]
> 
> hello there!! im finally back to writing after a more than year long hiatus, and i promise im not giving up on this fic. i realized that i was forcing myself to write for a fandom i wasnt inspired for, but now im back to writing for the haikyuu fandom, and im finally finding enjoyment in writing again
> 
> this is just a small introduction chapter, thats why its fairly short. all chapters following this will be at the very least 2k words, i just wanted to add this intro chapter to set the scene :) i really hope you enjoy

Everyone has a secret. No matter who you are, every single person in the world has a secret. Maybe you don't keep it a secret from everyone, maybe it's only a secret you keep from one person, or maybe it's just the tiniest little secret that would make no difference if anyone knew, but you still have never told anyone. Consciously or unconsciously, every single person on the planet has a secret.

And this included Kenma Kozume.

Kenma Kozume had a huge secret. Something that he would rather die than have this secret released to his friends and family. However, there were also hundreds of thousands of people who did know his secret, and that was okay. So long as those he interacted with on a day to day basis didn't know, then Kenma was content with hiding it. And thankfully, the secret was pretty simple to hide in his real life, there was just one problem- and that was Kenma's flatmate, Kuroo Tetsurou. Since they lived in the same apartment, of course it would be the hardest to keep such a major secret from him, but Kenma had to find ways to make it possible.

The secret that Kenma guarded was... quite interesting. It all began when Kenma started his career in videogame testing and reviewing, and he slowly began to stream his gameplay live. He and Kuroo had decided to share an apartment together while they got settled into their new adult lives, Kuroo attending university, and Kenma getting a head start on his childhood dream job. Before graduating high school, they practically lived together anyways. Kenma often slept over at Kuroo's when he was too lazy to walk home, and Kuroo crashed at Kenma's just as often, so renting an apartment together seemed like it would be no big deal. And for a while, it truly was no big deal, just as Kenma had expected, It was only when he pursued further into his career that it became a larger issue.

Kenma's dream job had always been to be some sort of videogame creator, tester, or anything in that line of professions. And so, when he began getting suggestions to start a streaming channel online, he figured he might as well give it a shot. He had very little hope of this turning into anything successful, but he was taken by surprise when he gained a fairly substantial audience in a relatively short period of time. In no way shape or form was Kenma prepared for the turn his life would take because of this.

And that is where his secret came to be.

It wasn't that Kuroo was oblivious to Kenma's budding online career, no, he knew about that. It was more... about who Kenma was online. See, Kenma had always been a fairly androgynous person, and no, it wasn't just because he had long hair. He had softer, more feminine features, and he was quite slim yet shapely, but not in a very 'masculine' way. He never minded it much, he was more or less indifferent to how he looked. It just... really didn't matter to him. He even let his hair grow out longer after leaving high school, since he no longer had to worry about it getting in his way during volleyball. And thus, when Kenma began showing his face on his streams, people tended to just assume that he was a girl. It wasn't as if he purposely tried to make people think he was a girl at first, it just... happened. There was no mention of his gender anywhere on his socials, so he couldn't really blame them for making their assumptions- as he said before, he genuinely did not care. Kenma did not give a single shit about it.

Though Kenma personally didn't care how people perceived him or his expression of gender... perhaps he began to lean into it a bit. But hold up for just a minute, please, it wasn't that Kenma was necessarily into crossdressing. And it wasn't like he was actually lying either. It was just... okay, maybe he leaned into it a bit more than the average person would.

What?! Hey! Who could blame him? It wasn't his fault that other guys who were into videogames were more apt to watch someone who they thought was a cute girl! Again, he never said he was a girl! He just... hadn't denied it either. Whatever, judge him all you like, it wasn't as if he could just stop now. He had committed to this. Seriously. He had committed to this more than anything else in his life- aside from videogames of course.

It would be a lie if he said that his streaming didn't earn him a good chunk of money. It paid well, it truly did. Even if the industry was unreliable and susceptible to crashing at any moment, the money was more than enough to keep Kenma coming back for more. He wasn't rich by any means, no, not at all, not even close, but he could live a comfortable life and not worry about if he was going to have enough money to pay his rent. He was able to splurge on things that he wanted, new games, the latest consoles, it was really nice.

The pay was only better when he leaned more into the whole 'looking like a girl' thing. Sometimes, you had to invest more into your job in order to get more back. That was precisely what Kenma did. 

Within his closet sat a plain, old, unassuming cardboard box. It was lumped in with a few other boxes, containing Kenma's old belongings from childhood, memories of Nekoma, things of the sort. That box, though... held an array of items that he worse exclusively on his streams. Skirts, blouses, hair accessories, cutesy earrings, socks- everything he needed to fit the part. The more feminine he dressed, the higher tips he was given, the more viewers, the more success... the more compliments. 

And that was what he hid from everyone he knew in the real world.

It was easy, for the most part. He just simply refused to tell anyone his screen name that he used while streaming or playing games. Some people didn't even know that he was a streamer, just as Kenma wanted. No one needed to know about it. 

The only person it was a bit tricky to keep the secret from was his aforementioned roommate, Kuroo. Since they did indeed live together, it was obvious that Kenma would have to tiptoe around it more in order to keep the secret. Thankfully, it wasn't as difficult as he had feared. Since Kuroo went to university, Kenma just stuck to streaming when Kuroo had classes. He memorized Kuroo's schedule and formed his own it so that his streams coincided with when Kuroo would be gone anyways. Kuroo also tended to go to sleep far earlier that Kenma, so he was able to go online while he was asleep as well. Kenma always did his own laundry so that there was no way for Kuroo to happen upon his 'girly' clothing. Kuroo obviously knew Kenma was a streamer, but he was never particularly interested in gaming, so didn't usually pester Kenma about seeing his streams. Kuroo respected Kenma's online privacy a good amount, and Kenma was grateful for that, it made everything so much easier. 

And that was that. Everyday life was pretty much the same, nothing too interesting ever happened in Kenma's day to day life, and that was fine by him. He would prefer a boring life, surprises always made him anxious. He liked to know what was going to happen at all times.

Kuroo was the exact opposite of him. He was loud, impulsive, loved a sudden thrill, he was everything that Kenma was not. Maybe that was why they had always been such good friends, they were complementary to one another.

Kenma was sure that Kuroo had a secret of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments mean the absolute world to me,,,, so please leave a comment! you can find me on instagram @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!! thank you for reading!! first real chapter will be up soon!


	2. cats outta the bag;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: photosynthesis by korantemaa]  
> [im doing something wrong cause this dont feel right]
> 
> first real chapter for this fic!! im unsure of how many chapters this will end up being, but thank you for coming along for the ride!!

It was Wednesday evening, probably somewhere around half past five or so: Kenma didn't have the time to look at the exact minute. He was in the middle of a stream and he didn't want to get overly distracted in fear of losing his game.

There was still about an hour and a half left in his stream, according to his weekly schedule. Sometimes he would stop a bit short or stay online a bit longer, but he preferred to keep to the relatively set plans he had, it was the best was to ensure that he never ran into any problems with Kuroo. On Wednesdays, Kuroo had class until seven, and it took him ten to fifteen minutes to get home, longer if he decided to go out with friends from school. Most of his outings were limited to the weekends, though, so Kenma never dared stream too far past the time Kuroo finished class, even if he thought Kuroo may be staying out later.

Kenma had his headphones on, cute ones sent to him by some company with cat-shaped adornments on them, glowing with the color red. It was a bit cheesy, but Kenma had a love for the color red ever since attending Nekoma with Kuroo. So, when color choices were given to him, he would pick red if it was available- or pink since it was just a lighter version of the color. The headphones blocked out sounds around him extremely well, and he was grateful for that. His neighbors could be very rowdy at times, and he didn't need any distractions while he was playing. He had a reputation for being a highly-skilled player- he wasn't going to let the idiots next door mess him up with their clumsy antics. To stay completely focused on the task in front of him, Kenma needed complete isolation from his surroundings.

It was this need for focus that got him into the shitstorm that was about to occur.

It was five-thirty. It was only five-thirty! How was he supposed to expect that his dumbass, idiot, absolutely fucking moronic roommate was going to startle Kenma with his impulsiveness? Kenma had always stressed to Kuroo that he needed to warn him before doing anything involving him. Kuroo knew that Kenma got panicked when things were sprung upon him so suddenly!

But Kuroo's excitement about some news he had just received clouded his mind, making him completely disregard all of the rules and boundaries Kenma had set for him.

Before Kenma could even begin to react, he was hearing his door swing open faster than it had ever before. Sure, he may have had noise-canceling headphones on, but the sudden motion of his door caught the corner of his eye and broke his concentration and focus.

Kuroo.

Kuroo was standing in his doorway at five-fucking-thirty- home over an hour earlier than what his schedule said he would be.

Kenma was frozen in place, as if he had looked into the eyes of Medusa and was now a statue, rigid as stone. He could hear the sound of defeat from his game, along with the pinging of the stream chat as viewers began questioning what was going on, why had Kenma broken his focus, a few even asking Kenma if he was okay. Kenma wasn't reading the chat though, everything that tried to get his attention fell on blind eyes and deaf ears. He couldn't move even if he had tried. His mind was completely blank yet racing with a million thoughts at the same time.

Kuroo was frozen as well, much like Kenma, however, his mind was racing with a million thoughts. Maybe even a billion thoughts, there was so much to take in.

Kenma, his best friend, the one who he had grown up his entire life with, had a side to him that he never would have guessed. What was even going on? Kuroo had no clue exactly what was happening, all he knew was that he was seeing Kenma Kozume dressed up in an outfit akin to something that you could find on some sort of soft-girl oriented fashion blog. Nothing about this made a lick of sense to him- it wasn't like Kuroo had any issues with it if Kenma wanted to express himself in that way, but... this was such a huge shock and he didn't know how to process it.

Snapping out of his frozen state, Kenma began to actually process what had happened. Kuroo... had walked in on him in the middle of a stream. A stream where people thought he was a girl. Where he wore cutesy girly clothes. And Kuroo had just seen him. And was still seeing him. Ripping his headphones off from their place on his head, Kenma chucked the pair at Kuroo as hard as he could.

"Get the fuck out! Why the fuck are you home?! Get out!" Kenma screamed at Kuroo, his voice louder than ever. He rarely raised his voice, and by rarely, he meant almost never.

Going into damage control mode, Kenma knew he needed to stop streaming. He didn't bother saying goodbye, knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his composure to even do that. He simply closed his browser to go offline, closing his laptop as an added measure to make sure everything was indeed off. He didn't need his viewers seeing whatever was about to go down, not that he had any idea what was about to happen himself.

Taking a deep breath, Kenma did his best to calm himself down before speaking, not wanting to strain his voice by shouting more than he already had. He needed his voice, if he couldn't talk, he couldn't stream. If he couldn't stream, that meant no income. No income, no rent, et cetera, et cetera. He needed to calm down, think rationally. As much as he wished it hadn't, what happened had indeed already happened, and as far as Kenma knew, time travel had not yet been invented, so he couldn't exactly rewind time in order to prevent this. It was a struggle to keep his mind steady with all of this going on, he could feel his senses getting overwhelmed and the dizziness of panic beginning to set in.

_Deep breaths, deep breaths. Think of what you need to do. One: Get out of these clothes. Two: Write an update online so that your viewers won't go batshit crazy thinking you got murdered or something. Three: Try to calm down at least a little bit. Four: Talk to Kuroo._

_Talk to Kuroo. Oh god he was going to have to talk to Kuroo. No, no, he needed to stop thinking about this, stop, stop- goddammit. Making lists was supposed to calm him down, not make him even more upset._

Kenma was suddenly very aware of his own breathing. Or, more accurately, the lack of his breathing. He just couldn't seem to get air into his lungs, no matter how hard he tried. His entire body was going numb, the feeling of pins and needles enveloping every single part of him. As much as he felt the need for Kuroo to leave, he was also grateful that he hadn't walked away when Kenma yelled at him to leave.

"I-Inhale-Inhaler, Kuro, I nee-" Kenma choked on his words, struggling to get them out at all.

Thankfully, Kuroo understood Kenma despite his broken speech. He always understood him. Before Kenma knew it, Kuroo had already gotten Kenma's inhaler and was kneeling by his chair, pressing the object into Kenma's hand just like every other time something of this sort would happen. He knew that Kenma's vision got blurry when panic overtook him, so he wanted to make sure Kenma could actually get ahold of it instead of making him reach around trying to find where Kuroo's hand was.

Kenma grasped the inhaler, letting his eyes close as he brought it to his mouth and inhaled the first puff slowly.

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten._

Again.

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten._

Exhaling, Kenma could feel his breathing slowly returning to his control. His skin was still tingling like television static, but he could feel his senses coming back to him. Still, he couldn't believe that this was happening to him. He was always so careful to keep his secret safe from his real life acquaintances. So certain that his measures would work to keep it a secret, Kenma had never pondered on what would happen if someone did find out. So now that it had happened, he had no clue how to handle this. A sense of humiliation washed over him. He felt utterly ashamed of himself. Kuroo probably thought he was some sort of pervert crossdressing catfish now. God... what he was doing was gross, wasn't it? For a man to be dressed in such traditionally feminine clothing, it wasn't okay, was it? He was to be looked down upon because of it... he should have known better. It was so wrong. He was so wrong, too messed up for his own good.

Not wanting to be seen like this, Kenma covered his face with his hands, wishing that he could just curl up in a ball in the corner and die. 

The sound of Kuroo speaking shook Kenma from his pool of self hatred.

"Hey... do you wanna talk about this?" Kuroo spoke gently to Kenma, his voice soothing in a way that no one else's was.  
Kenma peeked out from behind his fingers, shaking his head. He just wanted to be alone for a few minutes, he needed to get out of these godforsaken clothes that got him into this predicament already.

Kuroo seemed to understand, standing up from his kneeling position and patting Kenma's head, "I'll go put on some tea. You can come out whenever you're ready, or not at all." 

There was a moment of awkward silence, Kuroo looking at Kenma for a few seconds before walking away, gently closing the door behind him.

Kenma just sat there for a couple of minutes, head in his hands, his mind still a mess of thoughts. He knew that he was going to have to face this eventually, whether it be now, or even if he holed himself up in his room for a week, he would still have to talk about it sooner or later. He didn't want to, he didn't want to at all. The dread that bubbled up within him thinking about how the conversation would go was nearly unbearable, but it had to be done. This wasn't something that he could just sweep under the rug and act like it never happened. No, his friendship with Kuroo would become horribly strained if he were to do that.

What he needed to do was to just man up- go out there and face Kuroo.

_Hah, he was telling himself to man up while in a fucking skirt._ He laughed to himself pathetically, his brain not knowing how to function or think at this point. 

_Just think of his list again. Think of the list. Follow the steps and order that he had made. One: Get out of these clothes. Two: Write an update online so that your viewers won't go batshit crazy thinking you got murdered or something. Three: Try to calm down at least a little bit. Four: Talk to Kuroo._

_Okay, number one- easy enough._ Making sure he was steady on his legs first, Kenma rose from his seat. Walking over to his dresser, Kenma shed his clothing, skirt, socks, shirt, then his jewelry, setting everything in neat little piles atop his drawers. He opted to just throw on his pajamas, which consisted of an old Nekoma practice shirt and a pair of fuzzy pajama bottoms. There. _Step one, complete._

_Number two- write an update._ Kenma sat down at his desk once more and opened his laptop, logging onto his twitter and typing out a short update. It wasn't anything long or extravagant, just enough to satiate his viewers until his next appearance online.

_"roommate barged in during the stream. he wasnt supposed to be home so i got frightened. its all cool. also not streaming tomorrow, will be back on friday for my regular schedule. thanks."_

His style of typing online was often seen as cold and impersonal, but he didn't care. People still liked him anyway, some said it was cute how he (well... 'she' to them) spoke and acted that way. 

_Then onto number three... calm down a bit._ Well, he was about as calmed down as he could be at the moment, so that step was scratched off the list as well, leaving him with just one more step according to his mental list.

_Talk to Kuroo._

This... was not going to be very fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so hungry for comments p l e a s e feed me..... find me on insta @tsumilkys where i make edits!! :) thanks for reading!!


	3. its hard to stay pawsitive;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: tough guy by cyberbully mom club]  
> [and that my friends, oh god my friends, im fucking scared of losing them]
> 
> hello once again!! i have alot of free time this week, so im hoping to pump out a good few chapters!! :D please enjoy!!

_Well... this situation couldn't get any more awkward, could it?_ Kenma thought to himself, screaming internally but doing his best to keep his normal blank, neutral composure.

The two flatmates were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, as far away as they could get without being too obvious about their discomfort. Both were slowly sipping their tea, neither one wanting to be the first to speak, all whilst stewing in the uncomfortable silence that was enveloping the room. Every few seconds, Kenma could feel Kuroo glace over at him but then quickly look away, and he couldn't blame him, he was most likely doing the same thing without consciously realizing it. The tension in the air was weighing on the both of them, the sense of dread for whatever the conversation ahead of them would hold laying heavy on their shoulder.

As confident, loud, and obnoxious Kuroo could be a great majority of the time, there were still instances like this that he didn't even know how to handle. The weirdness he felt was akin to a feeling that someone would get when a sex scene came onto the screen while watching a movie with their parents or siblings. Both parties involved would shrink away from one another and attempt to avoid discussing what had just happened.

Kenma felt as if he had a bubble stuck in his throat, he probably couldn't get coherent words out even if he had wanted to. He wanted to remove himself from the entire situation. He felt his skin crawling on the inside, and there was nothing he could do about it. He sat still as he could, but the feeling wouldn't go away. It was frustrating, it made him want to scream- the feeling of dread, anxiety, and all the other emotions he was experiencing were just so much, but he couldn't get rid of any of them. In order to make himself feel better, his mind began to space out on its own. Kenma knew that he needed to face this, that ignoring it would never make it any better, but the defense mechanisms his brain had built up were difficult to fight against, especially considering he had been purposely dissociating for so long now. It was easier that way. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling in the world, but it was better than actually feeling what was going on, most of the time at least.

It probably wasn't a good idea to space out now, though.

As much as Kenma wished he could simply bury himself in a dirt-covered hole in the middle of the goddamn forest and let the earth consume his entire living body, he valued his friendship with Kuroo too much to sacrifice himself to the earthworms and squirrels of the woods quite so soon.

Yet he still couldn't find the strength within himself to break the silent wall between the two.

Kuroo... had a lot on his mind, much like Kenma did. However, his mind was going into an entirely different direction. And that was the wrong direction. The very, very wrong direction. While Kuroo was indeed extremely intelligent, he was also a complete moron at the same time. No number of A's in his classes would be able to help him here, especially with where his line of thinking was. He tended to be overprotective of his oh so dear friend Kenma Kozume, which led to him making some rather brash assumptions with his mind constantly going to the worst situation he could think of.

If Kenma thought that the conversation they were about to have was going to be awkward, then Kuroo was expecting it to be one hundred times worse than what he assumes.

As the elder of the two, Kuroo took it upon himself to be the one to just bite the bullet and get the ball rolling.

"So, uh..." Kuroo spoke, "Kenma..."

Kenma wouldn't look Kuroo in the eye.

"Okay, okay, let's just talk this out. Alright. Listen, I'm just surprised, that's all. I don't think any less of you or anything, I just never thought you would be the type of person to do... that kind of thing. I mean, I don't care! You're free to do whatever you want, I know you're an adult, you aren't a kid, so there isn't technically anything wrong with it it's just..." Kuroo could feel his face heating up. God, this was humiliating! He felt dirty for having to think of what his childhood friend must have been doing in an outfit like that online! He was fine with sex! He wasn't some blushing bumbling virgin! He was a grown man goddammit! But this was his best friend who he had known since they were tiny little kids!

Kenma turned his head and stared at Kuroo for a moment, trying to figure out what the hell Kuroo was on about and why he seemed to be getting so flustered.

_Oh, when he realized..._

Kenma's face twisted into one of horror and disgust, he was aghast at what Kuroo was implying. Acting instinctively, Kenma threw his cup at Kuroo as he jumped up from the couch, scorning him, "Kuroo what the fuck! What the actual fuck! No! That's not at all what's going on, oh my god! You seriously thought I was doing that?! What the fuck?!"

Kuroo yelped as he was hit with the remainder of Kenma's tea, trying to catch the cup before it hit the ground, ultimately failing as the cup tumbled to the floor and shattered unceremoniously, "Ow- fuck, that's hot!"

"Well you deserved it!"

Kuroo was quick to defend himself, "I didn't do anything!"

"Kuro you just accused me of doing _porn_!" Kenma sounded beyond exasperated, bringing his hands up to his head in order to massage his temples. This was not at all how he was expecting his to go. He was in utter disbelief- that's what Kuroo was thinking? Despite being absolutely horrified by the assumption that had been made about him, Kenma also found himself being somewhat relieved. If that was what Kuroo was thinking and was still willing to talk about it and not immediately think that Kenma was disgusting, then maybe Kenma had been wrong in thinking that he would be grossed out by finding out what Kenma's secret actually was. 

Sputtering, Kuroo put his hands up in defeat, "Fine, fine! But what was I supposed to think? I've been on the internet enough to see what people do when they dress up like that!"

"What kind of websites are you even visiting, Kuro? Are you some sort of pervert or something?"

"Hey! No! Stop it! I'm not!" Kuroo put a hand to his chest in a feigned act of offense.

Kenma just shook his head and sighed, "You're such an idiot. We need to clean that up before it stains the couch- that'll come out of our security deposit if we don't."

"You're the one who threw your cup at me!"

"Yeah, but only because you accused me of filming some sort of weird fetish porn for a living, who does that?"

"Touche." Kuroo accepted his defeat with a sigh, "But really, I'm... very confused as to what I walked in on. I know that you're a private person, but it's still not like you to hide things from me. You know that you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Walking a few steps over to their small kitchen to grab paper towels to clean up the mess, Kenma looked over his shoulder to make sure Kuroo was being sincere. And yeah, he definitely was. He was making that stupid dopey face that he made whenever he was worried about Kenma. Stupid Kuroo... he thought, why did he have to be such a good person?

"Kenma?" 

"Yeah?"

"I'm not going to stop being your friend just because I saw you wearing a skirt. I clearly don't know what's going on, but whatever it is, I don't care. You know that I care about you, you could literally murder someone and I would still back you up." 

Putting his hands over his face and groaning, Kenma grumbled his response, "Stop being so cheesy, idiot..."

Kuroo grinned, "You love it."

"I don't."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"You do."

It was rare that Kenma let Kuroo win when they went back and forth like this, but Kenma... didn't feel like even trying to win this time. He just shook his head and sighed, "Just get the dustpan, and don't step on the glass. Let's just clean this up and then we can talk, if you actually want to talk about it."

Within just a few minutes, the broken glass had been swept up and thrown away, the spilled tea sopped up and the couch thankfully left unstained. The pair were both back on the couch, just as they had started, but the tension between them was gone. There was no more pressure or dread hanging in their air, Kuroo's idiocy having broken the ice on this weird conversation. Finally, Kenma felt as if he could speak, his words were no longer stuck in his throat.

"Alright, so, what I'm going to tell you might be... strange." Kenma began.

"I don't think it can be any stranger than what my mind went to, honestly."

"I think it's still more strange, but not nearly as bad as that. It's just... a weird thing. I guess I should just tell you, I've been beating around the bush long enough. So, ah, how do I explain this as simply as I can... So basically, when I started streaming, people kind of just assumed I was a girl. And I kinda found out that the more I leaned into that... the more people would watch me, leave me tips, that kind of stuff. So I just... kinda... went with it. I don't know, people are weird, and I don't really care how people I don't know see me. Yeah..." Kenma trailed off. It felt so weird to have told somebody that out loud, he never had before. As embarrassing as it was, he felt a sort of freeing sensation. Since Kuroo knew, he wouldn't have to worry so much about being careful around him. Maybe he could even get Kuroo to do the laundry sometimes (that was doubtful).

Kuroo stared blankly at Kenma for a few seconds... and then burst out laughing.

Thinking about it, it really was a pretty ridiculous situation, Kenma couldn't help but to start laughing along with Kuroo. God, what a situation to be in, it was so stupid, but so funny at the same time. 

The two laughed along together for a little bit longer, before Kuroo was able to stop himself and properly respond to Kenma, "That's... I don't even know what to say to that. Only you would get into this type of situation, I swear. You were so worried about that, you know me- you should have known I would just laugh!"

Kenma calmed himself down as well, regaining his composure after few seconds... it really did seem silly that he had been so worked up over it now. He should have known that Kuroo wouldn't be the type of person to care about such an inconsequential matter. He really, truly should have known that, yet there was always that part of his brain that would never allow him to trust anything. It made his stomach sink slightly... he had known Kuroo for so long, he knew that he could trust him, but no matter how certain he was of that, his mind always attempted to convince him that he was wrong, convince him of the worst.

He was just worried about losing Kuroo. Even though he trusted him fully, nothing seemed to be able to stop the nagging that was constantly in the back of his head.

Maybe Kenma was keeping more secrets than just that one. If he told Kuroo how he felt, how he worried about losing him, about his doubts on everything in his life... what would happen? Kuroo had always been so honest with Kenma about how he felt, he voiced his concerns and his doubts, and then they were able to sort through them from there.

Kenma wished he was able to do that too. There was some kind of invisible barrier stopping him though, and he didn't know how to break it down. He was too introverted to ask anyone else for help... so he guessed it would all just say in his head. It was easier to cover up his emotions, that way no one would get hurt. It was painful at times, sure, but it was for the best.

_At least he thought it was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont need food to survive i live purely off of validation and comments,,,, please feed a poor gal,,, also find me over on insta @tsumilkys where i run an edit account!! until next time!!


	4. maybe it isnt so clawful;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: two time by jack stauber]  
> [two time, stay friends, problem that you can't defend]
> 
> bam!! another chapter already!!! and here we go, getting into the meat of the story now, be prepared for angst based on whats gonna happen at the end of this chapter babEY ;p

"I'm heading out." Kenma spoke plainly, as he pulled a large black hoodie over his head and slinging a small messenger bag over his shoulder. It was Thursday afternoon, and Kenma was taking the day off from streaming since he had plans with someone.

Kuroo was home as well, his professor having canceled class for that day due to having caught a cold. He was lounging on the couch, doing some reading that was assigned for one of his classes the following day. He looked up from the pages of his book, "Oh? You're actually going outside? Of your own free will?" he teased.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Kenma rolled his eyes, "I just have to do some stuff. I should be back before evening."

Raising an eyebrow, Kuroo sat up from his relaxed position to look at Kenma's face, "Are you hiding something?"

"You're acting like my mom, Kuro. I'm an adult, I can just go out and do things for myself," Kenma crossed his arms, "Next thing I know you'll be making me tell you who I'm going with, exactly when I'll be home, make me text you so you know I'm safe- I don't do stupid shit like you do with Bokuto, you know?"

"You're just giving me ideas now- wait! Are you meeting someone? Who is it? Are you actually having a social life outside of the internet and myself?"

"I'm leaving," Kenma ignored Kuroo as he leaned down to slip on his shoes, "You're being an idiot, I'm not about to go get murdered or something, I'll be back."

"Wait- wait I wasn't thinking if something like that would happen! Are you about to get into some sort of dangerous situation? You aren't doing drugs, are you? Hey! Don't leave! You need more layers, you'll catch a cold! Kenma-!"

Kuroo's protests became muffled as Kenma stepped through the threshold and closed the door behind him. He paused for a moment to make sure he had everything he needed, sighing to himself about how overprotective Kuroo could be. Half of his mind was annoyed that Kuroo couldn't seem to let Kenma be an independent person, but the other half... found it sweet. 

_Whatever..._ he thought, there were other things that he needed to do, no use dwelling on it.

* * *

Never in his life did Kenma ever think that he would be meeting up with Lev Habia without being forced to. If Kenma thought Kuroo was annoying, then Lev was on an entirely different level from him. Yet here he was, sitting on a bench outside of the train station, waiting for the silver-haired man to arrive.

A few weeks ago, Kenma and Kuroo went to watch one of Nekoma's games and be there to support their team, as well as seeing some of their teammates that they hadn't in quite some time.

Kenma had noticed that Lev had gotten a few piercings in the time since he had seen him last. He had always been interested in possibly getting some piercings, but he didn't know much about them or any good places to go for piercing. So, Kenma brought it up to Lev, and when Lev hear that Kenma wanted to get pierced, he managed to convince Kenma to let him take him to the place that he went to get his done. He really hated to give in to someone like Lev, but... he really did want to get his ears pierced, and he needed someone who knew somewhere trustworthy to go.

And that is exactly how he ended up here.

"Hey! Kenma!" 

Kenma piqued up as he heard his name being called. He immediately spotted Lev- that man was way too tall to miss, even on the busy streets of the city. He stood up, putting a hand up in a lazy wave to greet him. 

As Lev approached the former setter of Nekoma, he had a wide grin on his voice, "It's been too long!"

Groaning internally, Kenma did his best to not seem too annoyed. After all, Lev was doing him a favor by helping him out with this. "Hey. It's only been... maybe a month at the longest. Not long enough, in my opinion..."

Lev just laughed, patting Kenma's head and starting to ruffle his hair, "You're the same as always."

Kenma batted his hand away from his head, "And so are you, I thought maybe you would have quieted down since you were a first-year, but you're just as loud," he deadpanned.

None of his insults seemed to phase Lev one bit- he had gotten used to it in the years they played together. Kenma didn't hate Lev, he just didn't understand how someone could be so loud and energetic all the time, he really, truly didn't hate him- he would even go so far as to say that they had formed a friendship in Kenma's final year of high school. There was no way in hell that he would say that out loud, though, he wasn't going to let that be held over his head for the rest of time. Lev knew that they were friends, despite how Kenma acted, he could still tell.

"And you're just as quiet. But we aren't here just to talk, Kenma's about to get his first piercing, now isn't he?"

Kenma scrunched up his nose, "Don't talk to me like that, I'm not a little kid. Let's just go and get this over with, I have other plans," he lied. He had nothing else to do that day, but he had to give Lev a hard time.

"What plans? Got some hot date with Kuroo tonight?" Lev teased.

"Huh? Why would you even say something like that?"

"I mean, who else would you have plans with?"

"Not that, the date part."

Lev paused, seemingly confused, "Wait... I thought you guys were dating? I mean, you live together and practically never do anything apart."

Did it really seem like they were dating? What... no, Lev was just an idiot! Any sane person would know that Kuroo and him weren't like that, they were just friends, and that was it. Kenma had never even gone on a date with anyone...

"We're just friends. Why would you think anything else? You're an idiot." Kenma felt a bit flustered, honestly. He felt the tips of his ears burning red and was grateful for his long hair that would cover his blush.

"Well... everyone on the team thinks you're dating. So you... seriously aren't?"

"Everyone thinks that?!" Kenma raised his voice a little, feeling his heartbeat quicken, "We aren't dating, we're just friends. Tell everyone to stop making up rumors."

"I kind of doubt they'd believe me if I told them... you guys really seem like a couple. They probably wouldn't believe it even if you told them it wasn't true." Lev felt a bit awkward now that he had revealed how everyone saw Kenma and Kuroo, but he also had something else on his mind, "So are you seeing anyone else?"

"No, I'm not, but why does that even matter? This topic is ridiculous, just drop it. I didn't come here to talk about my personal life, I just want to get holes in my ears and go home." Kenma wanted to remove himself from this entire situation right there and then. He wasn't one to be easily embarrassed, but relationship talk just... made him feel weird. He brushed his hair back behind his ears out of habit, he always played with his hair when he was in an awkward position.

"Okay, okay, I'll stop! We can get going, it shouldn't take long anyways." Lev let up on Kenma a bit, but he definitely noticed how the tips of Kenma's ears were flushed a deep shade of pink. _It was cute._

It didn't take long to walk to the piercing parlor, thankfully. Kenma didn't have much energy that day, and walking places was always a pain. It also didn't take long to get his ear pierced, and it hurt way less than he was expecting. It wasn't painless, but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. He picked out plain golden studs for his starter pair, and Lev insisted on taking him to buy some more earring sets for when they healed and he could change them. Kenma didn't mind, Lev calmed down somewhat after they had first greeted one another, so Kenma decided he was fine with staying out a bit longer with him. He wanted to get some fancier pairs for when he was streaming, but he didn't want Lev to see him buying anything too feminine, that was one conversation he was one hundred percent not willing to have. He had six weeks before he could switch them out, so he had plenty of time to purchase what he wanted.

By the time Lev had finished dragging Kenma around to different shops, the sun was beginning to set. It was only around six in the evening, but the seasons were approaching late autumn, which meant the sun would set far earlier. Kenma always enjoyed the nighttime more than the daytime, it was calmer, quieter, much more to his liking.

Glancing at his phone to check the exact time, Kenma spoke, "I should get home. I need to eat something." He wasn't especially hungry, but he knew he had to take care of himself.

Not missing a single beat, Lev replied with an offer, "We can stop somewhere to eat, if you want. I can pay too, my treat." 

Maybe it was because of the cold night air against his face, but Kenma noticed a slight hint of red on Lev's cheeks, little did he know that he was sporting the same look.

"I guess... that would be fine." Kenma agreed, confused as to why he felt a lump forming in his throat. Why had he just agreed to spend more time with Lev than he already had that day? He didn't know why, but Lev didn't seem nearly as annoying today as he had other times. He felt an odd sense of tension between them, more so from Lev, but he couldn't place why that was. 

They stopped at a fast-food place, Kenma refusing anything more than that. They sat outside on a small park bench, eating in silence. It was chilly, Kenma wished he had worn more than just his hoodie. He was never the greatest at dealing with weather that was too warm or too cold. He noticed Lev glancing at him fairly often, leaving Kenma wondering if something was wrong, but he said nothing- he was probably just overthinking things like he always did. Setting his food down on his lap, Kenma brought his hands to his face, breathing warm air onto them in order to warm himself up. He could see his breath in the air... it really was changing seasons.

The night sky was clear that evening, the stars were dotting the sky like freckles. It was a beautiful night. Kenma had enjoyed himself today, maybe he should get out a bit more, he thought to himself. Maybe Shouyo would have some free time soon, they could hang out together.

"Kenma?" Lev nudged Kenma's shoulder, pulling him out from his thoughts.

"Oh, sorry. I must have spaced out. It's really getting late, I should really-"

"Will you go out with me?"

Kenma froze. Had he... heard that correctly? He couldn't have just been imagining it, no, he was certain that he had heard exactly what was said... but why? The question seemed so out of left field, he didn't know how to react to it. He found himself just stuck, staring at Lev, unable to say anything.

Lev immediately regretted saying anything when he saw the expression on Kenma's face, he had fucked up, hadn't he? There had to be a way to fix this, "Ah- Kenma, wait, I'm sorry, you don't have to say anything, you can go, I just-"

"Okay."

He said okay. Kenma didn't even realize that words were coming out of his mouth.

"That's fine, I'll do it. I'll go out with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am just. sitting here. pls comment. find me on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!!


	5. is this fur real;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to sorry haha i fell asleep by egg]  
> [sorry i never opened what you said, i was too busy wrapped up in my head]
> 
> i honestly dont have much to say other than i am very much so self projecting my ocd onto kenma oops  
> hope you enjoy!!

Kenma really didn't know why he had said yes to Lev. He hadn't taken the time to properly think before answering, and so here he was, dealing with the consequences of his actions. It wasn't as if he hated Lev, no, that wasn't it... Kenma just had no clue how he was supposed to feel. It was just... something had gotten to him earlier- Lev telling him how the entirety of Nekoma had been certain he was dating Kuroo, he didn't know why it had bothered him so much. Maybe it was just his stubbornness, wanting to dispel the rumors. After all, if Kenma was dating someone else, then they had to believe that he and Kuroo were no more than friends, right?

There were no particular qualms Kenma had with being in a relationship, but he had never been in one before. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel, was he supposed to have butterflies in his stomach like everyone said they felt when around the person they were romantically involved with? Kenma knew he didn't have butterflies, it was more like roaches crawling everywhere, making him tense up whenever he was touched.

Emotions were not Kenma's strong suit.

He didn't know how to feel when Lev hugged him after his response. He didn't know how to feel when Lev insisted on walking him home and holding his hand, fingers intertwined. He didn't know how to feel when Lev leaned down to kiss his cheek before saying goodbye for the night. 

After entering the apartment building, Kenma stood still for what felt like an eternity before getting his legs to move his body over to the elevator. He didn't know how to feel, so he just felt empty.

Kenma exited the elevator and walked down the hallways in order to get to his and Kuroo's apartment. He pushed his key into the lock and opened to door, going through the motions in an almost robotic manner. 

"Kenma! You're back! You said you would be home before night! I was getting worried! You should have messaged me," Kuroo was quick to jump up from his seat on the couch, greeting Kenma with far too much energy for seven in the evening.

"Ah... I got caught up with someone. It's not even that late, stop getting so worked up," Kenma shook his head at Kuroo, "Things took longer than I thought, that's all. Like I said earlier, I'm an adult. I'm allowed to go out and stay out late if I want."

"Bad things can happen if you're alone at night though!" 

"I wasn't alone."

This revelation came as a shock to Kuroo, "You actually met up with someone? Was Shouyo visiting the city today? You should have told me! I haven't seen the shrimp in months!"

"No. I was with Lev." Kenma interrupted Kuroo before he could keep going on.

Okay, if Kuroo had been shocked when he found out Kenma had actually been with someone, he was absolutely dumbfounded by this one. He knew how annoyed Kenma had always been with Lev, so why in the world would Kenma be hanging out with him willingly? The surprise on Kuroo's face must have been quite obvious, as Kenma went on to explain.

"He went with me to get my ears pierced. I asked him before where he had gotten his done, and he insisted on coming with me," Kenma tucked his hair behind his ears to show Kuroo the new golden studs adorning his earlobes, "See? That's the only reason I was with him."

Kuroo could have sworn his heart skipped a beat when he saw the shiny little earrings that Kenma now had. Oh no. Oh no. This was bad. This was very, very, extremely bad. It was all that Kuroo could do to not completely lose the small amount of sanity he had left. On the outside, he made it seem like it was no big deal, but on the inside, Kuroo was screaming. This was in no way shape or form fair. This was it. This was how he was going to die. Farewell, cruel world, it was nice knowing you.

He had to act like a sane human being for the sake of his and Kenma's friendship, though, so he acted as if nothing was wrong at all, "A piercing doesn't take all day though, did you do anything else?"

"Why are you interrogating me so much?" Kenma knew that Kuroo was always curious, but he couldn't help but be defensive tonight. He felt so on edge due to his newfound relationship- he wasn't sure if he wanted Kuroo to know about it or not. He didn't know why he would be hesitant to tell Kuroo, it wasn't like he would care... but something just felt off to Kenma, and whatever that off thing was, it made Kenma want to keep it a secret from Kuroo once again.

Yeah, Kuroo could tell that Kenma was hiding something. He wasn't always the easiest person to read, but Kuroo knew him so well. Kenma was also being quite obvious with the fact that something was up, it was odd. Kenma was good at hiding his emotions, but right now, it was so clear on his face that he was in an irregular headspace.

"Well, it's obvious you're hiding something. You keep making that weird scrunched up face you always make when you're uncomfortable. Didn't I just tell you yesterday that you can tell me anything?" Kuroo urged Kenma to tell him what was going on.

There was no use trying to hide it, was there? Kenma knew that Kuroo would find out soon enough, considering how loud Lev was with broadcasting his entire personal life to the world. He felt a tightness in his chest, but he couldn't pinpoint why he was feeling the way that he was. Sure, he preferred to be a private person, but this was Kuroo he was talking to. Kuroo knew practically everything there was to know about Kenma, sometimes Ksnma even felt like Kuroo knew more about him than he did himself.

How was it that he so simultaneously trusting of Kuroo, yet so untrusting? 

Kenma closed his eyes and tried to imagine that he was alone in his room, talking to himself, but he found that the topic was uncomfortable to talk about even with him alone. He opened his eyes and shook his head, "I'm tired. Can we talk tomorrow instead?"

Kuroo knew that look. Kenma was getting trapped in his own mind. As much as he wanted to know what was going on right then, Kuroo could feel Kenma becoming increasingly overwhelmed by everything happening around him, which included their conversation. Kenma had always been sensitive to all kinds of sensory input, that was the reason he kept his hair so long, to block an excess of sounds and sights. Kuroo reached out and brushed Kenma's hair out from behind his ears, making it fall to cover the sides of his face again, knowing it would help Kenma to block out some of what was overwhelming his mind.

For a moment, Kenma's gaze met Kuroo's, and it almost seemed like he was smiling. Almost.

"Of course, that's fine," Kuroo assured the blonde, "I'm here if you need me."

"I know," Kenma spoke in a smaller voice than normal, giving a short nod. He kneeled down to slip his shoes off and put his house slippers on before going any further into the apartment. "M'gonna take a bath, as long as you weren't planning to shower soon or anything."

"No, no, that's fine. Don't fall asleep in there and drown though."

"That was only one time, Kuro." Kenma sighed, but also exhaled in a breathy laugh.

Kuroo didn't say anything, just gave Kenma a dopey smile and patted his shoulder as he walked away.

Kenma sank down into the warm water of the bathtub, having tied his hair up in a messy bun in order to make sure it didn't get wet. He planned to go to bed after this, and he couldn't stand falling asleep while his hair was soaked, it was one of the many little things that made him uncomfortable for no obvious reason. So many things were able to upset Kenma, even though logically, he knew they didn't matter and that he shouldn't be so bothered by them. He couldn't help it, no matter how frustrating he was with his own mind. It was simply how he was, how he had always been. Going to bed with wet hair, being touched without a warning, or touched by strangers at all, using silverware that weren't his own or plastic, other people drinking out of his cup, police or ambulance sirens, the list went on and on. Some things bothered Kenma, there was no explanation or logical reasoning behind them that he could explain, it was how he was, and that was that.

He had always been one who would rather get themselves hurt rather than ever so slightly inconveniencing someone. He had learned how to hide his discomfort. He refused to make a scene of himself just because of something as stupid as being forced to use silverware from a restaurant. Instead, he just never went to restaurants that required utensils in order to eat. No matter what it was, either Kenma would hide his true feelings or he would go out of his way to never arrive in certain situations.

It was all okay though.

Kenma was used to this. This was what his entire life was.

It wasn't going to change anytime soon.

He hated change anyways.

_Bzzt. Bzzt._

Kenma jerked his head up, the sound of his phone vibrating on the floor beside the tub startling him out of his nearly trancelike state. Leaning over the edge of the bath and grabbing a towel to dry his hands, he picked up his phone to check the notification.

_Lev._

Huh, he had nearly forgotten the events of the day while lost in his thoughts. Kenma stared at the notification, contemplating if he wanted to reply or not. He knew that it would be the right thing to do, but he was still so unsure of his thoughts on dating the tall half-russian. His answer to Lev's proposal echoed in his mind.

_Okay._

He accepted. He said okay. Okay, yes, sure. Those were his words. They came out of his mouth, so they had to have been his. 

_Maybe he had meant it. Maybe it was truly okay. Or maybe he was just bad at saying no._

Regardless of the reasoning behind the words Kenma had said, they were undoubtedly his own. And now, he was left to deal with the repercussions of his actions. He was dating Lev. He had never dated anyone before, it felt so foreign to him. Was he supposed to respond right away? Did he even have to reply at all? Texting tired him out, having conversations, in general, drained him off all his energy.

Another vibration from his phone brought his focus back onto the screen.

_**Lev:** whatchu up to kenmaaaa?_

_**Lev:** nooo dont leave me on read :(_

_**Lev:** [one image attatched]_

Kenma clicked on the photo, revealing a very much so shirtless Lev, laying down on his bed, with an overexaggerated frown on his face. All he did was sigh as he quickly typed out his reply.

_**Kenma:** im taking a bath._

_**Lev:** oho? òwó can i see u?_

**_Lev:_ ** _i sent u a pic so its only fair ;p_

**_Lev:_ ** _< 3_

This boy was too much. Kenma had just given him a short, simple reply, and he had gotten a triple text back. Why couldn't he have sent that all as a single message? What was the point in all the frivolous text emoticons?

_**Kenma:** if it gets you to shut up, then fine. im trying to relax._

_**Kenma:** [one image attatched]_

It wasn't anything scandalous at all, just Kenma giving a blank face to the camera, loose hairs falling from his bun, and his petite shoulders slightly above the water. He added in a half-assed peace sign as well, not wanting it to look like a weird naked headshot.

_**Lev:** omg_

_**Lev:** o m g_

_**Lev:** omg kenma_

_**Lev:** youre so cute!!! >:3 you should wear your hair up more often!! and the earrings suit you so well!!_

_**Kenma:** no, i prefer it down. i'm tired, i'm not going to reply if you text again._

_**Lev:** kenma is so mean!! :((((( im ur bf u know, u should be nice to me_

_**Lev:** i miss u_

_**Kenma:** you saw me less than an hour ago._

_**Lev:** hah! u said u werent gonna text me back!!_

_**Lev:** can i see u tomorrow?_

_**Kenma:** i have to work. and you have school._

_**Lev:** we have tomorrow off too, just like today, come onnn, when will u be done with work?_

Kenma could tell that Lev wasn't going to give up until Kenma gave in. He didn't have the energy to argue or debate, so he caved.

**_Kenma:_ ** _fine. i can finish work earlier. ill be free after one._

_**Lev:** yesssssss ill see you tomorrow then :D_

_**Kenma:** yeah. see you tomorrow. im seriously not going to reply anymore, im tired, you dragged me around way too long today._

Kenma didn't bother waiting for a reply, he just set his phone to 'do not disturb' and sank back down into the water.

_What the hell had he gotten himself into?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am once again asking for ur comments. pls. they make me so happy,,,, pls give me even the smallest bit of joy,,, also find me on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!! until next time!!


	6. all the pawsibilities;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: honey and milk by flower face]  
> [but ive been lost for so many days on the interstate, i dont know morning from dark]
> 
> i meant to update a couple days ago, but i was honestly just so tired this weekend. i have this whole week until sunday with barely anything to do, so expect some more chapters very soon!!

Kuroo's professor was still sick.

This was the worst possible situation that could possibly be happening to Kenma on this Friday morning. He would have rathered the internet shut down than this.

Why was it so bad, one may ask? Kuroo had already found out Kenma's secret when it came to his streaming career, so that wasn't the reason. No... this was concerning Kenma's brand new secret that he still hadn't decided whether to actually keep a secret or not. Yup, the new secret was Kenma's boyfriend, Lev Haiba, and he had convinced Kenma to allow him to come over on that very day when Kuroo ended up being home instead of in class.

There had to be some way to get Kuroo to leave. He really, really didn't want Kuroo to find out about Kenma and Lev's relationship due to Lev just barging into their apartment. Kenma would tell Kuroo in due time... maybe he would at least. Why did it have to end up that this would be happening today of all days? Kenma was already taken out by Kuroo having discovered his prior secret, why did the gods hate him so? Couldn't he keep this one thing to himself for even just a couple more days?

Kenma had trouble staying focused during his stream, his brain stuck on the impending doom of the day. He ended up finishing his stream even earlier than he intended, making an excuse that he had a doctor's appointment. He was a terrible liar when speaking out loud, though, and he knew everyone could tell. He couldn't bring himself to care, all he cared about now was preparing himself for the shitstorm that would be coming his way within an hour. Lev was coming over at one, it was currently a quarter past noon, Kenma didn't have all that much time before then... he needed to prepare himself.

First things first- he needed to get out of this goddamned skirt- he could and most certainly would kill himself if Lev found out about this. If Lev knew something, then the entirety of Nekoma would know it as well, and Kenma would rather have every single inch of flesh removed from his living being than have his former teammates know about his online persona. And so, Kenma changed into his normal attire of way too baggy to be considered fashionable in any way, shape, or form sweatpants, along with a stupid, wrinkled, oversized tee shirt that he had gotten free from an event at Kuroo's university. They hadn't had any small sizes left, but Kenma felt the need to take one so he had something to show for his effort to be social and go to the shitty event in the first place.

After wiping off the small bit of makeup he had worn for his stream, Kenma had finally reverted to his natural form- an utter gremlin with bags under his eyes and clothing that made his normally shapely body shapeless. Perfect, just as he liked it. Caring about his appearance was tiring, he just wanted to be a hermit in peace. 

Back in his normal state of attire, his usual laziness quickly set back in. His bed was practically calling his name, his PSP on the pillow begging to be played for hours on end until Kenma realized the sun coming up, indicating the next day had arrived. It would be so easy to just flop down and stay there forever, never getting up.

Kenma felt a pang in his chest, recognizing his own pattern of thoughts as ones that tended to engulf him at the beginning of a depressive episode. He found his eyes gazing at his figure in the mirror. When he was like this, he looked like a little kid again, clothing far too big for a small body like his. He traced his fingers across the bags under his eyes... they were darker than he remembered them being the last time he had looked at himself like this. His roots were growing out with his hair, the thin locks reaching well past his shoulders now. He felt like he should either dye it again or cut it, but there was no morsel of motivation to be found for him to do either of those things. Were his eyes duller than normal, or was he overthinking things? 

It was both.

He was tired.

He found himself standing there, just staring at himself, wondering what had happened, when had he let go so much? It didn't seem fair, Kenma was going through all the motions that he needed to. He got up almost every day, he showered, he brushed his teeth, he even remembered to eat breakfast sometimes. All things considered, he should have been the happiest he had ever been in his life. He had enough money, he was living with his friend, he was doing his dream job, and now he even had a boyfriend.

Yet he was unhappy.

_He couldn't stay like this._

Tearing his eyes from his reflection, Kenma ripped the oversized shirt off of his body. If he stayed like this, he didn't know how long it would be before he would spiral and shut down again. It was such an unpleasant feeling when he shut down. He wouldn't feel anything. All he would be was empty, and he didn't want that to happen. The feeling of nothing was far worse than that of sadness.

Instead of the baggy tee, Kenma pulled on a more fitted shirt and tucked it into his sweatpants. He pulled his hair up in a somewhat messy bun and slipped a couple of clips to keep it secure. Even though he had just removed his layer of makeup, Kenma reached for the small tube of concealer to hide the ugly circles beneath his eyes. His lips were chapped too, so he put a layer of lip gloss on for good measure. Nothing too fancy, just enough to make him feel slightly less unsightly. This time, when he looked in the mirror, he looked a little less empty.

He could still see it in his eyes, though.

It was fine.

Kenma gathered up the clothing from his stream and shoved it into the box deep within his closet, making damn sure that it wouldn't be easily found. Surveying his room, Kenma gathered up all the empty drink bottles, snack wrappers, and dirty dishes that were strewn all around. Aside from the trash, Kenma's room was fairly clean. He was organized, but his lack of motivation always ended up leaving a week's worth of dishes and trash on the floor and set on various surfaces. He didn't care if Kuroo saw the mess, but he didn't want Lev to see him living in his own filth. 

Arms full of dishes and recycling, Kenma waddled out of his room and into the kitchen, walking slowly so he wouldn't drop anything. He deposited his armfuls onto the counter, sighing as he placed the dishes in the sink and began to wash them. He hated dishes.

"Heh..." Kuroo made his presence known with a chuckle, amused by Kenma's trash antics.

_Oh yeah, Kuroo was here. He had almost forgotten._

Kenma grumbled an incoherent response at Kuroo as he scrubbed the dried crumbs of food from each dish, placing them into the dishwasher one by one. Once he was done, he washed his hands off and scooped up the plastic bottles to throw them in the recycling bin. He checked his phone for the time.

_12:45_

Lev would be arriving soon. Kenma's heart began to race, he wasn't ready for this at all. What were you even supposed to do with a boyfriend? It wasn't like his apartment was interesting, there was barely anything to do except play games and watch shitty daytime television. 

"Are you going anywhere today, Kuroo?" Kenma questioned, silently hoping that Kuroo had some kind of plans that would get him out of their apartment. 

Kuroo shook his head, speaking to Kenma from his position on the couch, "Not planning on it. Everyone else is busy, so I figured I would just take the day and try to relax some. I finished my homework yesterday while you were out, so I really have nothing to do."

_Goddammit. Kuroo wasn't going to leave. Of course._

Kenma appeared unbothered, but internally, he was certain that this was the feeling of death, "Ah, okay. I... have a friend coming over. I'll stay out of your way, let you relax."

"Woah, you're being social again today? But you were just out yesterday!" Kuroo got up and stepped over to Kenma, placing his hand on his forehead, "Do you have a fever or something? You've never had anyone over here, not even Shouyo!"

Kenma glanced at his phone again.

_12:49_

If Kenma wanted to be the one to tell Kuroo about his new relationship, he would have to do it now. Otherwise, he would find out in approximately ten minutes when Lev got there. Frankly, Kenma would have preferred to crawl into a hole and die, but that wasn't exactly an option at this point- the apartment floors were, unfortunately, holeless. 

"I... have to tell you something," Kenma clenched his teeth, his stomach twisting into knots inside of his body.

Kuroo raised an eyebrow, a little suspicious of whatever Kenma had to tell him, "Tell me. Once again, I'll remind you that I said you could tell me anything."

Kenma wanted to gouge his insides out, he was beyond uncomfortable with the situation. No matter what he did, there was no plausible way of avoiding it, it was just something that had to be done. With a deep breath, Kenma made eye contact with Kuroo, "I, uh, I'm dating someone."

_Oh. Oh. That was not what Kuroo was expecting, it was basically the furthest thing from whatever he thought Kenma was going to say._

Kuroo was unsure of how to react, his heart felt... confused, "Oh."

Why... did this hurt? All Kenma said was that he was dating someone. Kuroo should have been excited for him- his best friend for his entire life was finally getting out of his bubble and trying new things. Kuroo knew that Kenma had never dated before, and that this must have been a big step for him. He should have been immediately happy for and supportive of Kenma, but... Kuroo just felt his stomach drop, he could have sworn his heart stopped beating for a split second. How was he meant to feel? How was he supposed to react? 

"And, uh... it's... it's Lev," Kenma stumbled over his words, his voice becoming quieter, "He asked me out last night, and I said yes."

It was a punch to gut when Kuroo heard that.

"Do you... like him?" Kuroo asked, hoping that his words weren't too shaky. 

Kenma had to contemplate for a minute before he could gather up the words to make an answer, "I don't really know. He's a friend, as annoying as he is, but I don't know about him romantically. I... don't really know how 'liking someone' is supposed to feel, I guess. He's nice, I don't hate him."

Kuroo nodded, "It can be hard to tell the difference between platonic and romantic attraction... most people just kinda... know."

Kenma could easily read others' emotions, but when it came to his own, he could be clueless at times. Half the time he had no idea what he was feeling, whether it was a happy or sad emotion. Feelings were weird, he hated having them.

"If he hurts you, I'll kick his ass. I don't care that he's an old teammate, that won't stop me."

Kuroo's words brought a small, airy laugh bubbling out of Kenma's lips. Kuroo was overprotective, like a mama bear, it was embarrassing as all hell, but at the same time, it warmed Kenma's heart when he said things like that.

"Yeah, I know you will."

And Kenma did indeed know that Kuroo was not joking. Kuroo would protect Kenma at all costs, he would keep him safe no matter the circumstance. It was just how their friendship worked, how it always had, and how it always would work. Kenma could groan and become flustered by Kuroo's overbearing behavior as much as he wanted, but it wouldn't change a single thing. That was okay, Kenma didn't want things to change.

Kenma found himself softly smiling at his feet, he knew that Kuroo was smiling all the same.

His head only rose when he heard three loud knocks at the door.

Lev was there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments may not pay the bills but god do they provide me with the validation i desire to keep on going,,,, p l e a s e,,,,, also find me on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing page!!


	7. feline not so fine;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to bubble gum by clairo]  
> [you look so nice in your shirt, its sad because it just hurts]
> 
> this chapter ended up being nearly 3k words whoopsies but mmm slow burn baby!!! im pretty happy with this chapter so i hope you all enjoy!!

Kenma found himself being able to do nothing more than stare at the door when he heard the sound of knocking. It was already one, he was already there. He had no clue what to do- he hated this, he really did. 

Kuroo nudged Kenma forward, "You just gonna leave him out there?"

"I have no idea how to do the whole relationship thing, Kuro." Kenma deadpanned. 

"Just act like you're hanging out with a friend, it's not that different," Kuroo insisted, "My little Kenma is growing up!"

"Shut up," Kenma groaned and shoved Kuroo's shoulder.

Kuroo relented, slinking back over to the sofa and getting back to his lounging, "Open the door before he breaks it down, jesus, he's loud, I'm gonna guess that not much has changed with him...."

Not allowing himself time to think, Kenma just undid the lock and opened the door, quickly coming face-to-face with the man himself, Lev (more like face-to-chest, but the exact details didn't matter that much).

"Kenma!' Lev wasted no time inviting himself inside, grabbing Kenma and pulling him into a suffocating hug, which made Kenma tense up horribly. He wasn't expecting it, he didn't like to be touched so suddenly like that, so he pushed Lev away as hard as he could, forcing his arms to fall from his body.

"Don't just touch me like that." 

Lev sported an obviously fake, grossly exaggerated frown, "That's not a very nice greeting! You didn't even say hi to me first!"

Kenma held back an annoyed groan, "Hi."

"Hi!"

Kenma bit the inside of his cheek, feeling tenser than he could even begin to describe. The feeling of bugs crawling all over his skin was quickly returning, he would have killed to jump in the shower and scrub every single little inch of his skin until it was screaming red and raw. Not a single part of him felt relaxed, god, this was the worst feeling ever. Absentmindedly, Kenma fidgeted with the drawstrings of his pants, rubbing the fraying fibers with his thumbs in an unconscious effort to calm himself. 

"Oi, Lev! It's been quite a while!" Kuroo piped up.

_Kuroo always knew exactly when to intervene._

"Oh- Kuroo!" Lev became easily distracted, leaping into a conversation with Kuroo, seemingly excited to see him again.

A wave of relief washed over Kenma as Lev's attention was taken off of him. He never liked being the center of attention, even for one single person. How he was going to deal with Lev wanting to give him attention, Kenma had no clue. Maybe he would get used to it, maybe this was how things were supposed to feel at first. It wasn't as if he would know, this was his first relationship. Kenma was normally quite calculated and knowledgable in general, but he could admit that he was entirely clueless when it came to romantic, and even sometimes platonic, relationships and love. What was the line between the two? He couldn't identify it.

He hated not knowing things.

Far too soon for Kenma's preferences, Lev's attention was back on him. What was he even supposed to do now that he was here? The only person who Kenma ever hung out with (aside from Kuroo, obviously) was Shouyo, who it was just... different with. Shouyo was easy to figure out things to do with, he was always so eager to do anything and everything- Kenma could literally lay on his bed playing a game quietly and Shouyo would be more than happy to watch him play or do something else in his room. But with Lev, Kenma had no clue what to do.

_Whatever, he would just act like he normally would if someone was over._

"I'm going to play a game. You can come," Kenma said, turning his head away dismissively.

_There was no need to get so worked up over this, it was just Lev. It wasn't as if Kenma cared what Lev thought about him._

Kenma headed to his room, Lev trailing close behind him like some sort of lost puppy. Kenma pushed the nagging thought of wanting to be alone out of his mind- he got himself into this mess and he couldn't back out now.

Lev was also a bit awkward for the first little bit, but seemed to get comfortable without putting much effort into it. Kenma envied him, able to adapt with such ease. The perks of being a clueless dumbass, he supposed. Maybe he should try out having only two brain cells sometime. 

_"Kenma, you can't survive with only two brain cells!"_

_"This is exactly why you only have two brain cells, you're thinking about it too much. It's just a saying- I know you can't live with only two, stop taking my jokes so seriously. You really are an idiot, I don't care how many A's you get, you will always be a dumbass."_

_Kuroo crossed his arms and feigned offense, "You wound me, Kenma!"_

_"Shut up."_

_"Make me~" Kuroo wiggled his eyebrows at Kenma, holding back a chortled laugh. He knew he was being dumb, but he knew Kenma was being dumb too. They were both dummies in their own ways._

_"I hate you so much. I'm going to kill you one day, I swear." Kenma facepalmed, Kuroo was such a goddamn headache._

_"You don't you looooove me, we both know it."_

_"Do not."_

_"Do too."_

_"In your dreams." Kenma rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore the flutter he felt in his heart._

Kenma laughed to himself as he remembered that conversation. It brought a smile to his face just thinking about times like those.

"Finally, a smile!" Lev grinned, his large hands going to squish Kenma's cheeks, "You barely ever smile- it's my responsibility now, as your boyfriend, to get lots of smiles out of you, starting now!" He removed his hands from Kenma's face, holding them up in a claw-like manner.

_Oh no._

Lev began to bring his hands closer to Kenma, wiggling his fingers. It was clear what he was planning to do.

_Nope, nope, nope._

"Don't." Kenma said sternly, pushing Lev's hands away.

Despite Kenma's efforts, Lev easily overpowered Kenma, attacking his sides with tickling fingers. 

Kenma bit down on the inside of his cheek hard, suppressing any noise he wanted to make, whether it be a scream or a laugh. He kicked Lev as hard as he could in the chest, sending him tumbling off of Kenma's small twin-sized bed due to the sudden nature of Kenma's reaction. Kenma wasn't joking when he had told Lev to not continue- Kenma had an aversion to being tickled that was so intense that he had a visceral reaction when there was even the threat of it happening. He couldn't begin to describe the feeling he had even imagining being tickled.

"I told you to not," Kenma brushed his sides with his hands, trying to erase the touch from his memory. The roaches were back, but this time it was even worse. His skin was crawling and it made him want to scream and rip his hair out.

Lev's face was frozen in an expression of shock- he had never seen Kenma lash out like that before. As soon as he was able to get out of his state of shock, Lev was backtracking and apologizing profusely, "I'm sorry I-"

Digging his nails into his palms, Kenma shook his head. He knew that Lev hadn't meant to upset him like that, he had overreacted.

"No, it's fine. Just don't do that, I hate it," Kenma sighed, brushing fallen strands of hair out of his face. 

"I won't do it again!"

"Good."

After Kenma's outburst, the air in the room felt colder than before. It became even more awkward than earlier, much to Kenma's horror. He knew that Lev meant well, he really, truly did. But it was so exhausting. Lev knew nothing about the things Kenma was particular about, the things that made him uncomfortable, and it wasn't his fault, there was no way for him to know them without Kenma telling him.

_Kuroo knew without Kenma having to tell him._

Things would be easier if he just straight out told Lev every single thing that he wasn't okay with, but Kenma couldn't bring himself to do it. There were so, so many things, more than Kenma could expect another person to comprehend and remember.

_Kuroo remembered them all._

It was foolish for Kenma to expect so much of a person. It shouldn't be anyone else's worry that Kenma would get thrown off by the smallest of things, that he sometimes couldn't manage simple tasks because of a small inconsistency in how his normal routine had gone that day. It was unfair to Lev that Kenma was getting so worked up over something Lev had no idea about. It would be unfair to expect that of anyone, no matter who it was. He wouldn't be surprised if Lev soon complained about all of Kenma's little things.

_Kuroo had never complained._

Lev didn't stay very long, leaving before five rolled around. There was a pang of guilt weighing heavy on Kenma's heart that he couldn't explain. He wasn't good at this whole relationship deal, he didn't think he ever would be. Kenma felt bad, letting Lev go without talking to him- he knew that communication was supposedly a vital part of any relationship, but he was too tired for any of this, he couldn't bring himself to care too much.

A shower was long overdue.

Kenma didn't bother talking to Kuroo about his outburst with Lev. The look on his face would say it all, he was sure of it. They could talk after Kenma had washed himself thoroughly enough to rid himself of the television static that spread across all of his limbs.

The sound of the bathroom fan made Kenma grit his teeth together as he flipped it on, along with the lights. Why did the fan have to be so loud? He hated it, but it was too quiet and got steamy too fast without it on. The lights were too bright as well, but Kenma would feel too unsafe showering in the dark. Kenma had an abundance of particularities when it came to the bathroom and his shower routine. 

To start, he turned the shower on before getting undressed, needing to give the water ample time to heat up before he entered. Not that the water actually needed time to warm up, but Kenma was so conditioned to waiting for the water to get hot from his parents' home, so it became another habit of his to wait. 

He tossed his towel on the mat next to the shower, making sure it was right there for when he got out. His clothes were removed in a specific order- shirt, pants, socks, underwear. Then, he leaned in close to the mirror on the wall to examine his face, checking for any pimples or blackheads that may have popped up since the last time he had done this. If he found any bumps, he would pick or squeeze at them until his face was scattered with red splotches, skin irritated from the unrelenting abuse of his nails. 

When he finished scrutinizing himself in the mirror, Kenma let his hair down from its place upon his head, setting his hair tie on the counter. He was ready to get in, finally. His routine took more time than was probably necessary in order to prepare for a shower- it was okay, though.

The warm water running over his skin was comforting to Kenma, it was heaven. This was exactly what he needed.

He also had a routine while in the shower, it was more relaxed compared to the exactness of his others. All that mattered was the order that he did it in, it didn't bother him if he took longer or shorter than usual. He would shave first (yes, he shaved everywhere- he disliked having too much hair, it made him all itchy and uneasy), second he would wash his hair twice, after washing was conditioner, and the final step was to scrub his body down.

This time, Kenma wanted to take a bath as well. Baths were a rarity for him, but he enjoyed them every so often. He plugged the drain and allowed the water to pool up under his feet, continuing to stand until there was enough water in the tub to cover him about halfway. He turned the water back to coming out of the faucet instead of the shower, and seated himself onto the floor of the tub. He pushed one of the shower doors open, taking his towel and drying his hands so that he could use his phone without getting it wet.

His fingers hovered over the messages app for a moment, but the hesitation didn't last long. Opening up his chat with Kuroo, he messaged him.

_**Kenma:** i feel shitty_

_**Kuroo:** do you wanna talk?_

_**Kenma:** kinda_

_**Kuroo:** ill be there in a sec_

_**Kenma:** :)_

Kuroo was the only person Kenma would ever send emoticons to. If anyone else ever received so much as a smiley face from Kenma, they knew something was wrong or that Kuroo was texting for Kenma when he was too lazy to do it himself.

It was a few minutes before there was a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"It's unlocked," Kenma called out.

The door opened slowly, Kuroo and his messy bedhead peeking in to make sure it was alright before stepping inside and leaving the door open just a crack to let some of the steam out. He sat down next to the bath, offering Kenma a white mug filled with warm, chocolatey goodness.

Kenma couldn't help but smile as he took the mug. Kuroo was always so thoughtful.

"Thanks," Kenma said simply before taking a small sip. His knees were pulled up to his chest, making himself look even smaller than normal. Around anyone else, Kenma would be self-conscious, but it was Kuroo, so it didn't matter. They had taken baths together ever since they were little kids, and when they played volleyball, Kuroo would always wait afterwards so that Kenma could shower without the rest of the team around. Kenma's body was hidden by the water anyways, so it didn't seem like a big deal to him. Kuroo had always done this for him, even back in high school when they didn't like together, Kuroo would come over and talk with Kenma while he was in the bath.

It was normal for them as friends.

"Mhmm..." Kuroo hummed in acknowledgment of Kenma's thanks, "Want to tell me what happened?"

"I don't know how to deal with the whole 'relationship' thing. It just feels weird and I don't like it. He tried to tickle me and I blew up on him," Kenma explained slowly, caution in his voice, "I know it wasn't his fault. I can't expect him to know all of the things that bother me, but... I don't know. It all just feels weird and I don't know if this is how I'm supposed to feel."

Kuroo nodded, reaching over to push a clump of wet hair from Kenma's face. He didn't even think about the action, it was just natural. In his heart, Kuroo knew that his relationship with Kenma had passed the line of normal by platonic standards a long time ago. He couldn't help himself, though- he cared so much about Kenma, he wanted to be there for him no matter what was going on in their lives or how abnormal their relationship was for supposedly being platonic only.

"Everyone experiences love and romance in different ways, there's not just one way that everyone is meant to feel. I know you dislike uncertainties, but that's what the beginning of a lot of relationships is like. You don't know what's going to happen unless you try."

Kenma knew that. Kenma also knew that he wasn't exactly ready to put as much effort into a relationship as Lev evidently was. He was bad at saying no, so he said yes. Now that he had said yes, he found himself not knowing what to do next. He hated this. He felt like he was never going to get better at relationships, he didn't know if he would ever experience actual love. He had said yes though, and as he kept reminding himself, he was going to have to deal with the outcomes from his actions.

"I hate this. Feelings are stupid, romance is stupid."

Kuroo felt his chest tighten up. He could talk a big game and act confident all he wanted, but romance really was stupid at times. It was stupid at so, so many times.

"Yeah... yeah it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ladies and gentlemen, the self projection inside of this fic is ASTRONOMICAL its waaaaay too loud <3 pls comment to satisfy my stupid silly little brain,,,, also find me on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!! until next time!!


	8. an unfurmiliar feeling;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: mariposa by peach tree rascals]  
> [i dont like feelings and feeling like running away from something]
> 
> so sorry for the delay in this chapter!! the beginning brings up dissociation and detachment, and while writing about it, i kinda accidentally fell into a dissociative hole myself, but im back here in the real world again and the chapter is finally finished!! the next ones shouldnt take as long, thank you for your patience!!

After much encouragement from Kuroo, Kenma reluctantly was the first to message Lev after his outburst that day. It made him uncomfortable beyond belief, but Kenma was trying. Any normal human being would be able to be in a relationship, this wasn't something that he could avoid forever.

He told himself that he didn't care if he grew old and died alone, but... despite his reservations about love and people in general, Kenma couldn't survive entirely by himself forever. For now, Kuroo took care of him in regards to his social needs, but it couldn't stay that way forever. One day, Kuroo was sure to become successful, find some pretty girl, have a family, and Kenma couldn't burden him for his entire life. He needed to find his own footing in the world.

_Kuroo would grow tired of him soon enough._

He was going to make this work.

He didn't want to talk things over with Lev. He didn't want to let Lev into the private parts of his life. Telling him everything felt so wrong, but he did it. Before the next time they met, Kenma wrote a list inside of a small notebook. It was far easier to do it this way, words were hard.

_"Kenma's List of Boundaries:_

_1.) No tickling_

_2.) No touching mouths_

_3.) No public displays of affection"_

Lev laughed and grinned when Kenma gave him the list, calling him cute and pinching his cheeks. He agreed to respect Kenma's boundaries without complaining (too much at least, he pouted a bit and teased Kenma for using the phrase "touching mouths" instead of calling it kissing). 

He had been so willing to accept Kenma's rules. So why did that just make Kenma feel worse? Lev was clearly being a good partner. He was kind, he complimented and praised Kenma, he was warm when Kenma needed a hug. As the days became colder, Lev would give Kenma his jacket when they were out together. Lev cared about Kenma and had affection for him, by all standards, Lev should have been the perfect boyfriend. 

Kenma couldn't understand why he seemed unable to express the same emotions in return, though. It made him feel guilty, should he even be doing this? He just kept telling himself the same thing over and over again, maybe things were supposed to feel like this.

_Things weren't supposed to feel like this._

Slowly but surely, things began to seem almost... normal for Kenma. Not entirely normal but it was better than the mess that had been brought into his life when he first started seeing Lev.

Kenma still didn't know how he felt about Lev or even being in a relationship at all, for that matter. He wasn't unhappy, per se, but everything still seemed a little bit off to him, no matter how hard he tried to get back into the groove of things.

_As if he had ever been in the groove of things to begin with. He had no clue what his life was or what he was doing._

Yeah, okay, so maybe things were still nowhere close to normal. To make up for the lack of normalcy, Kenma began to detach himself more and more. It was easy enough for him to do, and if anyone in his life noticed, they didn't mention it. He just let things happen to him, when he was detached, he stopped caring about all of his discomforts and anxieties. Granted, he also stopped caring about his joys and passions, but you have to lose some to get some, right?

He would still express emotions, he could read the room, he knew how to act. All of those years observing people's eyes and faces had taught had served him well. Without feeling anything at all, he could act like he felt everything all the same. It was all going to be okay.

This was a hole, a trap, and Kenma knew that. The temptation of complete dissociation from the hell that was the mortal realm was something that he had experienced many times before. By now, he should have learned how to resist it, but the promise of feeling nothing sounded so good. The moment he sank into that pit, the regret would be bountiful. He knew that.

But he was grasping at straws trying to stop his fall, he was too deep in to stop it.

* * *

At this point, Kenma had been dating Lev for going on two weeks. It was now October, the cold season beginning to seriously set in- Kenma loved cold weather. It gave him an excuse to stay in bed later into the morning, an excuse to wear a million layers of clothing which he adored, it was just perfect. No more sweating whenever he went outside, no more waking up in the middle of the night from the boiling summer air.

With Kenma's ideal time of year coming around, he found himself shaking off the dissociation bit by bit. It was a relief to finally be feeling things again. Detachment always seemed like a good option when Kenma was upset, but when it actually happened, it was a horrible feeling. Sure, it made him unable to feel any particular sadness or distress... but feeling pure nothingness was worse than any distress he could find himself in.

Even if Lev hadn't realized when Kenma had been detached, he most definitely noticed when Kenma bounced back into feeling life again. They had been hanging out more, and Kenma was getting more comfortable each time. His boundaries were still clear, but he let a few things slide every now and then. He let Lev hold his hand or even hug him in public from time to time. It may have not seemed like a lot, but to Kenma, progress was progress, no matter how small.

They were in Kenma's room once more, Kenma sitting cross-legged with his nose buried into his phone, playing a mobile game, and Lev had his chin resting atop Kenma's head, peeking at what he was doing.

Kenma softly smiled when he passed his current level, one which he had been stuck on for the past hour.

"You've been smiling more lately," Lev commented, lifting his head off of Kenma's and leaning to look at his face, "I like seeing you smile."

Lev's comment caught him off guard. Had he really been smiling more? 

"Hey, I smile a normal amount. You've just been seeing me more lately," Kenma insisted, turning his head away so that he wouldn't have to make eye contact.

"Mm, maybe, but still," Lev poked Kenma's nose and laughed when Kenma's face scrunched up into that silly little 'ew' face that he made so often, "You're cute, Kenma."

"Gross. I'm not," Kenma pushed Lev's shoulder and stuck his tongue out.

"Say whatever you want, I know that you're cute even if you try to convince me differently."

Kenma just shook his head and inwardly sighed. 

He had felt happier lately. Now, don't get him wrong, he was far from being truly satisfied, fulfilled, and happy in his life- oh no, no, no. Kenma was very much so still experiencing a myriad of issues in all aspects of his life. Most of the time, there was at least one unhappy or sad thought on Kenma's mind, usually more than one. It was more that... Kenma was getting used to how things were going.

When he first got together with Lev, he was extra unhappy due to the stark change in his life. Kenma's sense of routine had been flipped upside down with the addition of a relationship, stressing him out and making things worse for himself. He had gotten more or less used to his new routine by now, making him return to his regular level of happiness versus unhappiness that he had before their relationship.

All that was just to say that it wasn't that Kenma was any happier than he had been before- he had just climbed out of his especially unhappy and mentally unstable slump that had been triggered by their relationship.

It was the happiest that Lev had seen him, Kenma supposed. That didn't mean he was overall happy, though.

"I'm taking a nap," Kenma spoke plainly, "I was up late last night, I'm tired."

In reality, Kenma hadn't stayed up any later than normal the night before. Yes, he had been up late, but he was up late every single night. His social battery was running low and he needed time alone, a nap seemed like a good idea. Lev had only come over about an hour earlier, Kenma would have felt weird asking him to leave so soon after he had arrived- a nap seemed like the easiest way to recharge himself.

"Alright, do you mind if I lay with you?"

"That's fine, if I'm uncomfortable I'll just shove you off."

Lev chuckled, but they both knew that Kenma wasn't completely joking. He wouldn't be overly violent with it, but he wouldn't hesitate to push Lev away if he felt too crowded or needed more personal space.

Kenma situated himself down on his bed, burying himself under one of his many throw blankets (the number of blankets Kenma hoarded was frankly concerning). He had just closed his eyes when Lev decided to speak up.

"Can I hold you?"

Hesitantly, Kenma answered, "...sure."

He had never slept while touching another person, aside from falling asleep on the team bus with Kuroo after a game, but Kuroo hardly counted. He was unsure of his ability to sleep with someone else, but he was feeling adventurous.

Lev wrapped his arms around Kenma, pulling him close to his chest. He was warm... and it was surprisingly pleasant. Kenma could hear his heartbeat, the rhythmic sound calming him down, giving him something to focus on that wasn't all of the thoughts normally racing through his head.

"Is this okay?" 

"Yeah, it's okay." 

At it was. It really was okay. Kenma would have never thought that sleeping with someone could be nice, but the warmth and closeness was a welcomed change of pace for him.

"I'm going to fall asleep. If you wake me up I'm never letting you do this again."

"Wow, wow, alrighty then. Someone's cranky," Lev said teasingly- he knew that this was just how Kenma was.

"Be quiet, I can't sleep with you droning on."

"Alright."

The silence enveloped Kenma quickly, he focused on the sound of his own breathing and Lev's heartbeat as he felt himself drifting off into a light rest.

* * *

Kuroo hummed, unlocking the door to his and Kenma's apartment. Class had been annoying today, a pop quiz just had to be handed out that day, of course. Kuroo was sure he did fine on it, but he hated pop quizzes. He loved surprises, truly, he did- but pop quizzes were utter bullshit. They stressed him out.

Fast food was sounding incredibly appealing to him right then. Usually, he would make an attempt at being healthy or to make food himself, but honestly, he was not feeling it that night. Maybe Kenma would want to play a game with him or watch a movie- well, Kuroo was sure he could bribe him with the promise of an apple pie from McDonald's. That boy was such a fiend when it came to desserts and sweets, his little pudding head had a strong sweet tooth.

Spending time with his dear friend was Kuroo's favorite way to wind down, he was grateful for the boy.

After changing into his house slippers, Kuroo padded over to Kenma's room, knocking lightly before slowly nudging the door open. He couldn't hear a game or anything coming from within the room, Kuroo assumed Kenma was probably taking a nap. If only he could get Kenma onto a normal sleeping schedule- but that was a hopeless endeavor and Kuroo knew it.

"Hey Ken-" Kuroo began to call out to Kenma gently to wake him up, but he stopped dead in his tracks the moment he stepped into the room.

_Fuck._

Kenma was curled up in bed with Lev, both of them in a seemingly peaceful state of sleep.

Gritting his teeth and digging his blunt fingernails into his palms, Kuroo backed out of the room, making sure he closed the door as quietly as humanly possible.

When Kuroo had learned of Kenma's new boyfriend, he had convinced himself that the sharp pang he felt in his heart was a fluke, that it had nothing to do with what Kenma had told him. The feeling had come and gone every so often for the past couple weeks, but Kuroo continued to push it to the back of his mind and do what he could to ignore it.

The ache came back stronger than ever before, seeing Kenma asleep in another man's arms.

He had been lying to himself. It wasn't a fluke.

Kuroo didn't want Kenma to have a boyfriend- unless it was him.

And goddamn did it hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every comment give me like 2% more of a will to live mmm so pls humor me and leave a lil comment!! ofc also go check me out on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!! im so close to 10k on there and id appreciate a follow sm rn!! im v excited for 10k lol, but until next time, bye bye!!


	9. whispurrs in the night;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: loner by kali uchis]  
> [i just gotta put it out there, i dont put myself out there, usually i stay tucked away]
> 
> oh yall arent ready for whats boutta go down ehehehe,,,, next chapter will be out on the 16th, kenmas birthday!!! and in a wonderful coincidence of timing, the next chapter is actually taking place on his birthday in the story!! i didnt plan it that way, but hey, it works v well

This was it. Yup, this was it. This was how Kenma Kozume was going to die.

Somehow, during one of his late-night streams, Kenma had let it slip that he was seeing someone, and now, his viewers were not about to let it go without some sort of information. Some were excited, happy to see Kenma putting himself (or... 'herself') out there, but there were also others who were being quite... creepy about it, if he was to be honest. No, fuck being polite, some people were being creepy as absolute shit, no if, ands, or buts about it.

Viewers with no profile pictures and their usernames just being a name followed by a long string of numbers- speculating about the sexual aspects of his relationship, saying that they weren't going to watch Kenma anymore if he was going to give himself to someone else.

Fine, whatever, Kenma would rather pervs like that hadn't watched him in the first place. It was one thing for guys to like watching him because they wanted to see a pretty 'girl' playing their favorite video games, he couldn't give a flying fuck about some lonely twenty-somethings with a bad case of puppy love, but this was completely different. They were acting possessive, as if he wasn't allowed to have a life outside of his online presence. 

It wasn't that many people, still... Kenma felt gross just reading their messages in the chat. The majority of his audience was quick to defend him, saying things along the lines of "wtf leave her alone??? not every cute girl online is gonna be single forever???" and "kenma ignore people like that!!! we all still love and support you no matter what!!", but the defenses didn't stop the comments from getting to him.

It ended in Kenma finishing the stream earlier than intended. He had heard enough for the night, and he just wanted to curl up in bed and hide from the world once again.

_Why had he gotten into this career? Kenma was the most introverted person that he knew, how in the world had he ended up with a job that was in front of hundreds of thousands of people? It made no sense, yet here he was. Life was a mindfuck and a half._

It was going on midnight- not even close to the latest that he had completed a stream. A small growl sounded from his stomach, and as a result, Kenma went padding into the kitchen with fuzzy socks on his feet, searching for something easy to shove into his mouth to satiate his hunger for the time being.

A warm light was shining out from the crack beneath Kuroo's bedroom door, drawing Kenma's eyes to it.

_He was still awake? Probably studying or something..._

Kenma found his feet leading him to stand in front of Kuroo's door. Kuroo would listen to him if he needed to vent, and now that he knew more about what Kenma did for his job, Kenma could tell him exactly what was going on, what people were saying about him. His hand was raised as if to knock, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

_He couldn't bother Kuroo, especially if he could have been cramming for an important exam._

An upset bubbling from deep in his chest, Kenma put his hand down and walked away. He knew that Kuroo would listen to him if he asked, but he must have been thinking of how bothersome Kenma always was on the inside.

Instead, Kenma went to hole himself back up in his room, the thoughts of food left behind in the kitchen, he was thinking too many other thoughts to remember what he had even went out of his room to do in the first place.

He opened up his phone the check some of his mobile games, but paused when he noticed a little red bubble on the messages app, indicating that he had a text. No one usually texted him this late at night, not that many people texted him to begin with. Considering that it was possible for an emergency to have happened, Kenma opened the app to see what was up.

_**Lev:** message me when you get a chance!! you said you were working late but i haven't gotten to talk to you at all today!!_

Huh, Lev had never been up this late before, at least, not to Kenma's knowledge. The message was only from about fifteen minutes ago, so Kenma decided he might as well try to be a good partner and text back.

_**Kenma:** i just finished, earlier than i thought_

_**Lev:** kenma!!! :D_

_**Lev:** earlier than you thought??? its already like midnight tho???_

_**Kenma:** yeah, i can work until three or four sometimes_

_**Lev:** :(_

_**Lev:** that can't be healthy for you_

_**Kenma:** i take naps, you know that. its fine. anyways, you're awake now too, so shouldn't you be scolding yourself too?_

_**Lev:** i mean_

_**Lev:** its the weekend so its fine!!!_

_**Kenma:** then it should be fine for me as well_

_**Lev:** why do you always have to be right?_

Kenma actually laughed at that, it was amusing to see Lev admit that Kenma was right. 

_**Kenma:** at least i have a reason to be awake, why are you up?_

_**Lev:** well i kinda slept until like... one in the afternoon today so uhhh_

_**Kenma:** looks like im not the only one who needs to work on their sleep schedule _

_**Lev:** i would sleep better if you were here_

Kenma felt his ears heating up in embarrassment. But maybe...

**_Kenma:_ ** _i could come over_

Even Kenma could barely believe the text that he had sent. He had never been the one to initiate meeting up, it had always been Lev. Yet Kenma had just offered to go to Lev's house- he had never even been over to his place before! They had only ever been together at Kenma's or in public. This seemed like a huge thing, at least to Kenma.

Lev replied with the speed of a roadrunner.

_**Lev:** yes_

_**Lev:** yes please do_

_**Lev:** or were you joking??? dont tease me like that_

_**Kenma:** i wasn't joking. i can come over. just send me your address, ill be there._

**_Lev:_ ** _omg. okay. okay give me a minute ill send it_

_**Lev:** omg kenma youre gonna come over_

_**Lev:** you can meet my cat!!!_

Kenma would sooner be caught dead than admit that his heart jumped at the mention of a cat. Lev having a cat was news to him, but he was not complaining a single bit. Cats were cute. They weren't allowed to have pets in their apartment, otherwise, Kenma would have at least a few furry friends of his own.

_**Kenma:** i thought cats hated you_

_**Lev:** okay. well. she was my sister's before she moved out a few years ago_

_**Kenma:** the cat hates you doesn't she_

_**Lev:**..........yes :(_

_**Kenma:** hah_

Comfort, Kenma was craving comfort. He had denied himself the comfort of Kuroo, so he was now looking for that sense of comfort in Lev. Although he couldn't tell Lev exactly what had upset him, perhaps he could find his company helpful.

Within the next hour, Kenma had redressed himself in his normal clothing and was outside of Lev's house. There were no cars in the driveway, Lev must have been home alone. It made sense, he doubted he would have been allowed over past midnight if his parents had been home- hell, he would scold Kuroo if he brought someone over at this time of night while Kenma was also home.

Much like when he was outside of Kuroo's door, Kenma hesitated with his finger hovering over the doorbell. Oh, actually, maybe he should just text Lev that he was there- imagining his own doorbell sounding at practically one in the goddamn morning, Kenma knew he would immediately assume that some sort of serial killer was coming to get him.

_**Kenma:** i'm here_

Kenma stood there, fidgeting with his hair as he waited. He was more nervous than usual- this was the first time he would be with Lev in his home, and they were also most likely alone! Anyone would be a little anxious, he rationalized his thoughts. Yeah, any normal person would have the same thoughts running through their head in a situation like this.

Before he was given time to calm his nerves, the door in front of him opened, revealing the tall, half-russian in nothing but a tee-shirt and... his boxers. The giant idiot wasn't wearing any goddamn pants.

"Kenma! You actually came!" Lev lunged in to give Kenma a huge, but Kenma jumped out of his line of attack.

"Lev! You aren't wearing any fucking pants- what the fuck?!" Kenma shouted at Lev, extremely reminiscent of his scoldings back in high school. But seriously! Who the hell answered the door in their underwear?

Lev stared blankly at Kenma, not quite processing the situation until he slowly looked down at his legs, "Oh god- Kenma that was not intentional! I am so sorry-!"

Kenma covered his eyes with both of his hands, that was something he felt wrong looking at, "It's- it's fine, just please go put some pants on."

Lev scampered back inside without bothering to close the door, returning in less than a minute, now clad in the classic red Nekoma sweatpants. Much, much better.

"Again, seriously, I am so sorry I did not mean to-"

"I said it's fine, okay? Let's just forget about it," Kenma shook his head as if to rid his mind of what he had seen. Thankfully, a distraction was brought to him in the form of a small 'meow' from inside of Lev's house. He peeked into the darkness of the house, spotting glowing eyes near the staircase. He was dead set on petting that cat. He would pet that cat even if it was the last thing he did, so help him god.

Noticing his focus on the creature within the house, Lev chuckled, "Wanna come in? It's pretty cold out there."

Kenma nodded and stepped inside as Lev let him in, slipping his outdoor shoes off before going any further. The eyes were still right next to the stairs. Perfect.

"I'm going to pet your cat," Kenma stated.

"Go right ahead, see if she'll let you."

Making sure to take small and quiet steps, Kenma approached the cat. She was a beautiful thing, a sleek Siamese cat with gorgeous blue eyes, Kenma felt his heart soften at the sight of such a cute cat. He held his hand out, palm facing up. She sniffed at his hand for the longest ten seconds of Kenma's life... and then she butted her head against his open hand, accepting him as a kind and trustworthy human. Kenma smiled as he scratched behind her ears, hearing a purr come from the feline.

Lev stood, watching Kenma, dumbfounded, "Seriously? She likes you? That's no fair!"

"That's because I'm not a loud giant person."

Lev huffed, "Of course she likes you, you're the closest thing to a cat that a human could be."

Kenma was used to being compared to a cat, both because of his time at Nekoma, but also due to his appearance and mannerisms. It got old at times, but he didn't mind. He hummed softly as he continued to pet her, stifling a yawn as it tried to escape his mouth.

"Oh? You must be tired, aren't you? Since you were working this late."

"I'm fine. Like I said, I've been up way later, this isn't a big deal for me."

Without warning, Lev easily scooped Kenma up in his arms, carrying him upstairs despite his objections, "At least come lay down with me!"

"Not like I have much of a choice when you have ahold of me like this..." Kenma grumbled, but found that he didn't mind it too much.

It was kind of nice... spending time like this with Lev was nice. He really, truly, didn't mind it.

* * *

Loud chirps from the birds outside of Lev's window were what caused Kenma to wake up the next morning. It was already bright out, already at least nine, judging by the light.

Yawning, Kenma sat up on the bed, only for the events of the previous night to hit him.

_He was in Lev's bed._

_He was in Lev's bed and he was naked as the day he was born._

_He was in Lev's bed, he was naked as the day he had been born, and there was a distinct ache in his lower half._

_He was in Lev's bed, he was naked as the day he had been born, there was a distinct ache in his lower half, and he had had sex with Lev last night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so how yall like what i just did there??? feel free to scream at me in the comments as per usual, and check me out on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!! see yall in a couple days!!


	10. far from happy purrthday;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: party favor by billie eilish]  
> [its not you its me and all that other bullshit]
> 
> first of all, happy birthday to our beautiful boy kenma!!! it makes me so happy that his bday irl ended up lining up so perfectly with this chapter today!! the next chapter will still be taking place on his birthday, but half of his bday in this fic ended up being published on the same day so!! oh but yeah this is fucking angsty as shit soooo it aint a very happy birthday

What the hell was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to sit there and wait for Lev to wake up as well? Would it be weird to get up and use the shower? What the hell was the standard procedure for the morning after? 

Kenma could barely believe it- he had never done anything like this before. He could clearly remember what had happened, it wasn't as if he had done anything wrong, and neither had Lev. Kenma just... he didn't know how to explain it. Nothing was wrong with what had happened, they were both legal, consenting partners with no substances in their systems. By all moral standards, what had gone on the night prior was perfectly sound.

Yet Kenma felt disgusting. He felt like shit, to be frank.

With a sigh, Kenma reached around until he found his phone. Might as well pass the time with a game. He had nothing better to do, and it was the least he could do to stick around until Lev woke up as well.

It only took a few minutes for Lev to stir, yawning and stretching out on the bed. He rubbed his eyes before opening them, his gaze immediately going to Kenma, seated with his legs crossed and his face in his phone.

"Hi," he said groggily.

_This was about to be awkward, wasn't it?_

"Hey," Kenma glanced at Lev for a fraction of a second before burying his nose back into his game. The urge of wanting to hide in the corner and stay there forever returned to him.

"Are you okay?" Lev leaned over to put his chin on Kenma's shoulder, peeking at the game on his screen.

"I'm fine," Kenma answered shortly. He did not want to have this conversation.

"About last night..." Lev began, but Kenma cut him off, not allowing him to go further.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Kenma-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, Lev," Kenma knew he was being an ass, but he didn't know how else to act. All he wanted to do was escape. He wanted to go home. He wanted to take a shower in his own apartment, he wouldn't feel clean if he showered anywhere else.

_Everything felt so wrong._

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you-"

Once again, Kenma cut Lev off, "No, don't apologize," he shook his head, "You did nothing wrong. I was fine with it."

"You don't seem fine with it now, though. What's wrong? I'm your partner, you can talk to me about things. You don't need to bottle things up anymore."

_God, fuck, he wanted to cry. He wanted to bawl his fucking eyes out until he couldn't anymore. Why was Lev such a good person? He was so irritating, such a dumbass, but he was a good person. He was kind, he was nice, he was there. Lev had done nothing wrong- which was exactly the reason Kenma was left feeling this way. Why couldn't he seem to reciprocate the same feelings?_

Kenma squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't cry, no, not like this.

_He just couldn't do it anymore. As shitty as it may have been to do this now, it would be even worse if he waited and led him on for any longer. It was unfair to Lev. As horrible as it made him feel- and trust him, he felt absolutely, terribly shitty- it would make him an even worse person if he didn't do it now._

"I'm sorry," Kenma set his phone down and covered his face with his hands. The shame he felt was horrendous, he couldn't bring himself to look the other in the eye.

Lev lifted his head from Kenma's shoulder, "What do you-"

"Can I just talk for a minute?" Kenma interrupted.

Lev had an uneasy feeling about this, "Go ahead."

"I hate talking about my feelings, that's not a secret, everyone knows that," Kenma breathed in deeply and removed his hands from his face, still staring downward, "Half the time, I don't even know how I'm feeling. I've never been in a relationship before this, and I didn't know how I was supposed to feel about it. I kept telling myself that the way I was feeling must have been normal, that I would get used to it. But I... I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."

A lump formed in Lev's throat, "Did I... do something wrong?"

Kenma quickly shook his head, "You didn't do anything. I know I always act like you annoy the shit out of me, and you do, but you didn't do anything wrong. You did everything right. It's just me. I thought that if I kept trying, then I could start feeling the same way, but it's just not working."

_Fuck he was going to cry._

"I'm sorry. I know it's such a dick move to break up with someone like this, especially after... last night. But it feels wrong to stay in this relationship when I can't return your feelings. I know I'm being an asshole, I feel like shit about it, but I can't keep this up..." Kenma heard his voice crack as he trailed off. He rubbed his eyes, willing the tears to not fall.

"Kenma... can I hug you?"

_God, what a piece of shit he was._

"Please don't. I'm sorry. I don't think I can handle that right now," Kenma would immediately break down if he was embraced, "I'm so sorry."

"I... it's okay. Don't get me wrong, it hurts. Like... a lot," Lev laughed pathetically, his eyes watering as well, "But I'm glad you told me now. It's not your fault, and it's not my fault either. I want to see you happy, and it's not like we were serious or anything. It's only been a little over two weeks. You aren't a bad person, please don't blame yourself either. I'm glad you talked to me, even if I wish it wasn't this way."

Kenma sniffled, doing everything in his power to hold it in, "I was wrong when I said you hadn't changed at all. You're a lot more mature than before, it's surprising. You were a good first boyfriend, thank you for that."

"Are things going to be awkward when you come to visit the team again?"

"...probably. I'm sure it will go back to normal soon enough."

"Kenma?"

Kenma finally lifted his head and looked at Lev. There were tears welling up in both of their eyes, god, this sucked absolute ass.

"I had a feeling before, but I know it's true now. You may not realize it, but Kenma, you're in love with Kuroo."

He couldn't respond. He just couldn't. All Kenma could do was nod slightly, words unable to come from his mouth. Getting up, his body hurt, but not worse than volleyball had ever done to him. He gathered his clothes that were laying in a pile on the floor, pulling the dirty garments on. He hated wearing dirty clothes, there was no other choice, though.

"Thank you, Lev."

"I'll talk to you later, right?"

"Yeah. I'm... gonna go home now."

The no-longer-together pair exchanged their awkward farewells and Kenma headed off in the direction of his apartment.

_He didn't want to be alone._

Kenma pulled his phone from his pocket. His fingers were on autopilot as he opened his messages and texted Kuroo.

_**Kenma:** hey. can you come and walk home with me?_

In true Kuroo fashion on weekends, he replied within half a minute.

_**Kuroo:** kenma! of course, where are you? i was worried when you weren't here in the morning_

_**Kenma:** i'll send my location_

_**Kuroo:** i'll be there soon! you'll sit somewhere and wait for me, right?_

_**Kenma:** yeah_

Kenma sat down on the curb, looking up at the birds on the powerlines and the clouds in the sky. It was so peaceful out there, if only it was the same for himself. It was boring, sitting there doing nothing, so he once again tapped the power button on his phone to scour for a game to play while he waited. He went to unlock the device, but something else caught his eye.

The date.

_October 16th._

_Oh. It was his birthday._

Honestly, that seemed about right. Kenma had never had a good birthday, he would have been more shocked if nothing bad had happened. Birthdays weren't for him, no matter how hard he tried to make them fun. If he had a party, it would end with an inevitable panic attack and crying alone in the bathroom.

This birthday may have been the worst in a while. It sucked, it was stupid, and he wanted the day to end already.

_So fucking stupid. This was all so fucking stupid. He was so fucking stupid._

_He felt like absolute shit, both physically and mentally. He was going to take the longest nap when he got home, sleep was all he wanted. Although Lev had told him that it wasn't either of their faults, Kenma felt like it was his. He was listed dozens of things he hated about himself inside his mind, the list was never-ending._

Kenma had no clue when he had started crying. Once the tears started, they were impossible to stop. Here he was, sitting on a curbside in a suburban neighborhood, bawling his eyes out on his goddamn birthday. It was so, so stupid. He was so, so stupid. All he could do was sit there and cry, praying that no one would walk by and see him in this state.

He wished Kuroo would get to him sooner. He wanted to be alone, but he wanted to be alone with Kuroo. Kuroo knew how to handle Kenma. Kuroo could hug Kenma without Kenma minding, everything with Kuroo was somehow different than any other person he had met in his life. Maybe it was simply due to their friendship going back so far, or maybe Lev had been correct.

Speak of the devil, because within the next few minutes, a comforting voice entered Kenma's ears.

"Pudding head?" Kuroo called out softly, catching onto Kenma's sensitive state right away. He crouched down next to Kenma on the curb, tapping lightly on one of his knees as to get his attention.

Kenma attempted to stop his tears, which was unsuccessful. He hated being seen so vulnerable. He bit his lip to steady his voice even the tiniest bit before responding, "Hi," he said with a forced smile.

"Are you okay?" Kuroo already knew the answer.

Kenma just shook his head. If he spoke, his words wouldn't have come out right anyways. Kuroo understood his nods and shakes of his head well enough so he wouldn't need to speak.

"Do you need a hug?"

With no hesitation needed, Kenma nodded. That was exactly what he needed right now. He had turned down the hug from Lev earlier, because Kuroo was the only one whose hugs could truly comfort him.

Kuroo wrapped his arms around Kenma, letting him hide his face in the crook of his neck while he cried and cried. He ran his fingers through Kenma's soft hair, wow, it was getting really long. He made sure that his grip wasn't too restricting, he didn't want to make Kenma feel trapped and claustrophobic from the embrace, but when Kenma put his arms around Kuroo as well, Kuroo squeezed him tightly.

Kenma never hugged back.

Kuroo would hug Kenma, holding him in his arms until he felt safe once more, but Kenma had never held Kuroo back like this. It made his heart skip a beat. Without thinking, Kuroo pressed a soft kiss onto the side of Kenma's scalp, his lips touching the soft, messy, tangled up hair. It was instinct, he wanted to do whatever he could to make Kenma feel better.

Kenma felt the soft kiss on his hair, and it made him relax even further into Kuroo's arms, sobbing into his shoulder like a little kid.

"Happy birthday, Kenma," Kuroo whispered, he was so close to Kenma's ear that no more volume than that was needed.

Kenma let all of his weight fall onto Kuroo's body now, holding onto him as if his life depended on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments mean the absolute world to me i will literally die for you if you leave a kind comment,,,, also check me out and feel free to message me on my insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!!


	11. best friends furever;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: glued by melanie martinez]  
> [glued up, sometimes its too much, im fucked up and clueless]
> 
> i dont have much to say, but im just soft and i hope you all enjoy this lull in the story

Following the bit of an episode that Kenma had created, Kuroo and he walked home in relative silence, save for Kenma's occasional sniffling and clearing of his throat. Kuroo was walking on the outside of the sidewalk, closer to the road, and Kenma was on the inside.

Oh, and they were holding hands.

It wasn't like it happened consciously or anything- Kenma simply needed comfort, and the soft pressure of another hand holding his own was calming. That was all, really, it didn't mean anything. It meant nothing, nothing at all. It was a mindless gesture, nothing more and nothing less.

Yeah, that was all it was.

Kenma was aware of how he must have looked, eyes all red and puffy, tears stained all the way down his cheeks, but did he even care at this point?

_Yes. The answer was yes, he did care. But he would lie to himself and say it didn't bother him one bit. One day, he would be able to convince himself that he was truly fine and didn't care._

As if he hadn't woken up less than an hour ago, Kenma covered his mouth with his free hand as he yawned.

_Damn, crying took way more energy than Kenma had recalled. Ah, so that was why he didn't do it more often. God had his stamina went even further downhill after graduating from high school and no longer playing volleyball... oh well. If he didn't have the energy to cry, then maybe he wouldn't be so goddamn sad all the time. Huh, he wondered what it felt like to not want to curl up in a ball and die every waking moment of your life, a boy could only dream._

_It was pathetic, really, his mind._

_He knew he could benefit from talking to someone about this all, but he would sooner jump off a cliff than pay someone to listen to him bitch and whine about his feelings and how his life was 'oh so hard' when he had it far better than many others in the world. If he were to have it his way, Kenma would continue to bottle up every single one of his pesky little stupid feelings until the day that he died- those bitches were going to the grave with him._

_The grave was only getting closer every day._

_No, Kenma wasn't going to do anything drastic. Don't get the wrong idea, Kenma wasn't going to kill himself or anything- it was just that, with the way he was living his life, he didn't expect many good things to be heading his way. Okay, yeah, maybe he had a few issues... perhaps even more than just a few. Oh well, Kenma had perfected the skill of avoidance._

_There was, however, a tiny portion of Kenma's brain that wanted to dropkick his fucking feelings into outer space at three in the morning in a 7/11 parking lot. Again, that was only the tiniest most insignificant part of his brain, the other 99.9% just wanted to take a fucking nap._

_Naps were nice. Kenma would rate them a solid ten out of ten any day, no doubt about it._

_Life was stupid, this was all stupid. Why couldn't his mind just stop reeling for just one minute? He wanted to kick a door, punch a wall, he was pent up beyond belief. Whatever, it was time to shove this all to the darkest corners of his mind and not think about it until four in the morning six months from now._

_That sounded about right._

"Kenma? You ready to go inside? We can stay out if you want," Kuroo brought Kenma back out of his head, back to reality.

Kenma hadn't realized they were already outside of their apartment complex, time sure did fly when your mind was running at a hundred miles an hour.

Coughing in order to make his voice not sound like shit after all the crying he had done, Kenma nodded, "Yeah, I want to go inside. It's cold out here."

"You should have said so sooner- I'm always telling you to wear a coat. Yet you never listen and complain that I’m acting like your mother!"

"Yeah, yeah. If I told you, you'd just make me wear yours and you would freeze instead."

"I'd rather I freeze instead of you!"

"I wouldn't."

"Aw, Kenma! You care about me!" Kuroo dropped Kenma's hand and threw his hands over his chest, right where his heart was, in a dramatic fashion.

Kenma's hand felt empty, cold, and lonely. He crossed his arms, tucking his hands beneath his armpits for warmth. He would never admit it, but... he didn't want Kuroo to let go. His heart urged him to clasp Kuroo’s hand once more. His brain, however, reasoned that it would be weird to do that, and that he needed to stop being so clingy and touchy with Kuroo,

"You dumbass, obviously I care about you," he scoffed, "Why would I stick around this entire time if I didn't?"

His ears were burning from embarrassment, stupid Kuroo, making him admit stuff like that out loud. Obviously, he cared about him, what a dumb thing to act surprised about. Kuroo said shit like that just to make him all flustered, he could have sworn it. Everything Kuroo said and did served the purpose of getting some sort of reaction from Kenma.

Kuroo chuckled and opened the door for Kenma, "After you."

All Kenma could do was shake his head and step inside, there was no use picking a meaningless, petty fight over Kuroo's teasing. He was too tired, and perhaps he just didn't mind it.

The pair took the elevator up to their floor, Kuroo making a few more jabs at Kenma. It was all in good fun, though, Kenma cracked a smile from Kuroo's remarks on more than one occasion. Around Kuroo, Kenma could be himself. No need to hide or mask his feelings if he needed to let anything out. Kuroo would be there, no matter the circumstances. 

_What would he do without this man in his life?_

_Probably be a complete reclusive hermit with a dozen cats. He could see that happening, easily. Sadly, their landlord had a strict no pets policy, otherwise, Kenma would have at least one furry friend currently._

Soon enough, they arrived back at their apartment and Kenma was ready to hunker down on the couch and stay there, watching some random reality television show that he didn't care about.

Kuroo had different plans. It was his dearest friend's birthday, after all! The day had clearly started off on a poor note, and now it was his mission and duty to salvage the day to the best of his abilities.

"Kenmaaaaa, come here~," Kuroo called out, extending his syllables, voice drifting from the small kitchen into the living area. 

"I literally just sat down, you come here, don't make me get up..." Kenma whined, he was acting like a lazy child, but it was indeed his birthday- he could be annoying, selfish, and lazy if he wished.

"Guess I'll just have to eat your pie all by myself..."

_Goddammit, Kuroo._

Kenma perked up instantly, like a cat at the sound of a treat bag being opened. He wanted to be stubborn, didn't want to give in so quickly, but on the other hand... his sweet tooth was itching for his favorite dessert. Scowling and cursing his inability to resist the treat, Kenma heaved himself off the couch and padded his way over to the kitchen.

Kuroo always got him apple pie on his birthday- and countless other times throughout the year. His birthday pie was special though… it was the same pie as any other, but it always tasted sweeter on his birthday. When his birthdays had gone to shit, he could always look forward to the pie that Kuroo was bound to bring him.

"Just give me the stupid pie..." Kenma put one hand on his hip and held out his other, expecting to be handed his portion.

"Oops- not so fast there, darling!" Kuroo scooped Kenma up before a word of protest could be thrown his way, sitting him down on the cold granite of the kitchen counter, "I need to sing happy birthday to you!

Kenma felt a lump form in his throat, he knew his cheeks were on fire.

_He knew Kuroo was strong, but he had so effortlessly lifted him. Not that it should have been a big deal, but..._

_No, it wasn't a big deal, he was thinking too much about it, that was all. Ugh, if his brain would be quiet for just one single minute, he would have never asked for anything else in his entire life._

“Kuro, if you sing to me, I will strangle you in your sleep tonight, I swear. I’ve had a long day already, I don’t need your scratchy voice adding to it.”

“Too late! It’s happening, whether you like it or not!” Kuroo poked the tip of Kenma’s nose with his index finger, flashing his signature, dopey smile that he only gave Kenma. 

That sickly sweet expression that stretched from ear to ear… it made Kenma’s heart flutter. Looking at that face, Kenma could feel the stress and upset of both today the previous night melting away with ease. He felt himself relaxing, resting his head against the cupboard on the wall behind him. Kuroo’s voice was one of the worst he had ever heard, but somehow, that didn’t matter. A lazy smile danced its way onto his lips.

Kuroo put on an over the top performance- possibly the most overdramatic one in the history of singing happy birthday, all while that same dopey smile stayed plastered on his face, looking at Kenma as though he were the most ethereal human to ever grace this mortal plane.

Moments such as these were what filled Kenma’s heart up to the brim, his feelings teetering on the edge of spilling. Kuroo could have been singing any song to Kenma in that moment- he wasn’t listening to the words. Kenma was absorbed in watching Kuroo’s movements, his eyes, his smile, his everything.

He could have fallen in and gotten lost so easily, so peacefully, so simply.

_Oh no._

_Oh god no._

_No this could not be happening._

_He thought back to what Lev had said before, that Kenma was in love with Kuroo. He had nodded because he didn't know how else to respond, he hadn't been confirming or denying the statement._

_No, no, Lev couldn't have been right._

_There was no way._

_He wouldn’t believe it, no, he absolutely refused. He hated feelings! Seriously! He had no clue what love was or what it was supposed to be like, this was no more than appreciation for the friend he had spent his entire life with. Kenma lacked the ability to feel anything besides platonic love, he was certain._

_If he was so certain, then why couldn’t he stop staring? Even as Kuroo’s voice faded away with the end of the tune, Kenma was unable to look away. When Kuroo’s eyes met his, and his lips moved, saying words that Kenma couldn’t hear over the fogginess of his mind, he didn’t look away._

_And when Kuroo reached up to brush Kenma’s hair behind his ears, Kenma didn’t stop him. When Kuroo took Kenma’s hands and intertwined their fingers together, Kenma’s only reaction was a hitch in his breathing._

_Oh. This was what people meant when they said they had butterflies in their stomachs. Kenma no longer felt the roaches, the bugs, all the creepy crawlies that covered every inch of his skin while he had been touched by Lev._

_Butterflies- they tickled the inside of his tummy and tried to escape from his mouth. It should have felt unpleasant, the way he struggled to regulate his breathing and heart rate- but the butterflies felt astounding. They were a beautiful feeling for Kenma to finally experience._

_As if the bugs from earlier had suddenly formed chrysalises and escaped them, Kenma felt the butterflies blooming within him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this chapter was so peaceful and lovely, i would appreciate a comment so much!!! you can also find me on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account- see yall next time!!


	12. cat nap;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: boyish by japanese breakfast]  
> [i cant get you off my mind, i cant get you off in general, so here we are, we're just two losers, i want you and you want something more beautiful]
> 
> hello!! i want to apologize both for this chapter taking so long and it being slightly shorter than usual. i have a short story due in my fiction class tomorrow, and so i havent had much time to write this, so im sorry!! the next chapter should be up on halloween, if all goes according to plan

Everything was normal.

Yup, absolutely, 100% normal. No funny business happening here, nope, not in the slightest!

Okay, yeah, that was a bold-faced lie. Everything was fucking weird and Kenma had not a clue as to how to deal with it.

A Kenma from a week earlier would have foolishly assumed that understand his feelings would bring him peace and make him know exactly what to do- but current Kenma? Hell no. He was even more frazzled about what he should do or feel like now that he had realized how he felt.

It had been far easier when he was able to put on a facade and convince even himself that he simply could not experience love in a manner that was any more than platonic. But noooooo, Kuroo just had to go and be the dopey shit he always was and make Kenma have the biggest existential crisis in his life thus far.

Stupid Kuroo.

Human emotions were ridiculous and Kenma hated them. He hated just about every single little thing on the Earth at the moment. He hated himself, for being so vulnerable to these sorts of feelings, mostly.

He didn't hate Kuroo, though, that was one thing that remained the same.

Kenma Kozume was in love with Kuroo Tetsurou, denying it now would serve no purpose. He couldn't lie to himself, his brain would now never allow him to erase his epiphany of love from his memories. However, he sure could hide it from Kuroo! Unlike his previous secret of his life as an internet trap, Kenma was beyond determined to keep this one in only his heart until his final days in this wretched mortal realm. 

Granted, he had also been dead set on keeping his whole crossdressing online thing a secret, and look where that ended up. How did the saying go again? First is the worst, second is the best- that meant this second secret-keeping endeavor had to go well.

Much to Kenma's dismay, after learning what occurred with Lev, Kuroo became more and more attentive to him. He was bringing Kenma his favorite snacks, constantly reminding him to practice self care (yeah right- how was one supposed practice self care when they really couldn't give a fuck about themselves?), and staying in for evenings with Kenma as opposed to going out with his college friends.

It made Kenma's stone heart melt into a puddle of magma, and he hated the influence Kuroo held over him. 

It made Kenma feel warm and fuzzy when Kuroo took special care of him, but at the same time- the treatment was not helping his attempt to keep his affections a secret! 

Kuroo was so thoughtful and caring and it made Kenma wish to bash his head against the beige walls of his room repeatedly. But he wouldn't do that, if he died, Kuroo would be sad, and seeing Kuroo so extremely sad was one of the worst possible things that Kenma could imagine.

Kenma wanted to be able to bring Kuroo the same joy as Kuroo brought him, it was as simple as that.

Now, Kenma was laid on his stomach on Kuroo's bed, scrolling through his business e-mails, deleting the ones from obsessive fans and companies that wanted to sponsor him, despite having no products relating to his interests or gaming.

Kuroo was at his desk, reading a chapter in a grossly thick chemistry textbook that could probably serve as an effective murder weapon, had the situation arisen. 

It felt much like their hangouts while in high school, Kenma doing absolutely nothing meaningful while Kuroo was being productive and studious. Oh how Kenma missed those days, if only for the pure reason that he hadn't realized his feelings and he could have acted normal. 

Unfortunately, man had not yet invented the time machine, leaving Kenma stuck in the worst period of his life imaginable- adulthood. He didn't feel like a fucking adult, he had no clue what he was doing. He was doing fine, money-wise at least, but in every other area imaginable, he was the dictionary definition of a wreck.

He sighed and pushed himself up from the bed, moving to sit with his legs crossed and his back against the wall. Wiggling his toes in order to crack all those pesky joints, Kenma couldn't help but chuckle to himself. His feet were clad in long, cat-themed toe socks, ones that were intended for children, but Kenma knew he needed them in his life the moment he came across them. Thankfully, he had smaller feet than most, so his dreams of owning the hideous, eye-burningly bright, polka dot and cat patterned toe socks came true for the small price of a few bucks. 

Kenma truly was still a child, disguised as an adult person, something that he just couldn't possibly be. What kind of self-respecting adult would be wearing children's toe socks with cartoon cats on them? None that Kenma could fathom.

Yet here he was, forced into the role of an adult, scrolling through copious amounts of business e-mails- seriously, who even used e-mail anymore? The brick walls of text bored him half to death- why did everyone act so formal? Kenma wanted to respond to most of his inbox with a big old "fuck off" but if he did that, he would be considered "unprofessional" and "disorderly".

So what if he desired to sleep in until noon, eat sugary breakfast cereals, and wear some goddamn toe socks? Why did people try to force every person above the age of eighteen to suddenly know how the entire world works, why it spins, and what their place on it was?

This was far too existential for a thought that began with some stupid toe socks.

With perfect timing to bring Kenma out of his wormhole of thoughts, Kuroo spun around in his chair to face Kenma.

"Can you quiz me?" he asked, holding up a piece of notebook paper with terms and definitions on it.

"You've been studying for the past hour or so- Kuro, you already know you'll ace the exam, you always do," Kenma rolled his eyes, but held his hand out for the paper regardless, "Give it here."

"I only do good because I study so much, you know," Kuroo tsked, rising from his seat and stretching, "Gah! I was sitting there way too long, my knees hurt like a bitch."

"Told you that you've been at it for too long."

Kuroo relented, setting the paper of vocabulary back on his desk, "What about you? You've been on your phone this whole time too, you're going to need glasses if you keep straining your eyes like that all the time."

"I'm dealing with work shit, boring e-mails and whatever. Trust me, if it were up to me, I would not be looking at my screen right now."

"That's it! I've made up my mind! We're getting out of the apartment today! I need to stop thinking about my test, and you need a break from electronics for even just an hour."

Going outside was the thing Kenma wanted to do the least.

"I don't want to," Kenma responded simply, shaking his head.

"Too bad! We're going!"

"You can't make me," Kenma was dead set on staying right there on Kuroo's unmade bed (not that he could judge the messy bed, his wasn't made either).

"Well, you seem to forget that I'm stronger than you, so... I'm pretty sure I can make you get up," Kuroo smirked, reaching for Kenma's arm to pull him up.

Kenma flinched away.

It was weird- Kenma had never before minded a single touch of Kuroo, even if he had fake complained about it. Every time before now, Kuroo's touch had been comforting, so why had he so instinctively moved away?

He was scared- no, not of Kuroo- the big dork couldn't even kill a spider, let alone hurt a human being, much less Kenma. It wasn't Kuroo at all, it was himself. What if Kuroo's usual kindness and care made him do something stupid? What if he made it obvious how he felt, when he wished for it to remain a secret?

If Kuroo found out, would their relationship be ruined? He told him that Kenma could tell him anything, but having romantic feelings for him was on an entirely different level than previous confessions he had told to him. This secret felt more massive than any that came before- it had the potential to fuck up so many of the good things in Kenma's life, all of those good things having to do with Kuroo being in his life.

He couldn't risk losing the best part of his life, even if it meant that his feelings had to stay balled up inside of him forever and ever.

The two stared at one another, both shocked by what had just happened. Kuroo because Kenma had flinched away from his touch for the first time, and Kenma for being the one who did the flinching.

It was obvious that something was wrong.

"I..." Kuroo began, treading lightly with his words, "Is something wrong?"

_Yes Kuro, yes, something was wrong. Lots of things were wrong- an exorbitant amount of issues were swarming Kenma's brain at all times._

"No." Kenma forced himself to say.

Judging by the look on Kuroo's face, he hadn't bought it, not one bit.

Kuroo sat on the edge of the bed, not getting too close to Kenma. He didn't want to frighten him again. A dull ache stirred in his chest once more. Had he done something to hurt Kenma? Why had he so suddenly acted differently towards him?

"I'm just... wound up today, that's all."

_But he never rejected his touch when he had a particularly bad day before, he always leaned into his 'friend' closer._

Kuroo nodded, listening to Kenma, giving him the opportunity to speak what was on his mind.

"I don't want to go out today, I really don't. I know you've been holed up in here with me ever since what happened on my birthday, I'm sure you're itching to go out somewhere- I just can't today," Kenma opened up a little more, "...sorry."

_What was he doing? He never apologized to Kuroo for things like this. Kenma knew that Kuroo understood the way that his mind worked, how sometimes, things that may have seemed small to others may seem like a big deal to him, that he often found himself unable to do certain activities or go certain places without becoming overwhelmed and panicking._

Kenma couldn't take it anymore. He tried to avoid finding comfort in the feeling of Kuroo's body against his own, but he couldn't do it. Between his love-related dilemma, the increasing number of creepy messages he was getting online, the way one of the overhead lights in their kitchen let out a high pitched ringing noise constantly- he couldn't take any more of it.

Talking about it wasn't going to help, Kenma needed something more. His arms and legs appeared to be moving on their own, his heart taking over and giving his brain a rest. His forehead rested on Kuroo's upper back, Kenma's arms hugging Kuroo close, leeching off of his warmth and heartbeat.

Sure, maybe that day had been the first time Kenma had denied Kuroo's touch... but it had also been the day where Kenma touched Kuroo first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im uhhhhh lowkey stressin rn so some lovely comments would honestly make my day a little bit better (or night, morning, idk, its quarter past midnight here),,, feel free to message me or check me out on my instagram @tsumilkys where i run an editing account!! until next time!!


	13. just kitten around;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [listening to: cry baby by the neighbourhood]  
> [i know that ill fall in love with you baby, and thats just what ill do]
> 
> hhhhh im so sorry for my small impromptu hiatus. i was in kinda a weird headspace for a bit there, but im okay!! things just feel a little off and weird, but im doing alright! i should hopefully get my schedule back on track now, thank you for being patient!!

Things were different.

They hadn't talked about it, but ever since that evening when Kenma initiated a touch for the first time in his life, things had changed. To the outside eye, it may have seemed like nothing, but the energy between the two differed entirely from what it had been before.

When the pair went out together, whether it be Kenma dragging Kuroo out with him in order to acquire a location-specific item (usually an item he wanted to unlock in one of his mobile games, or sometimes an exclusive piece of merchandise that was only available in a certain store), or if it was Kuroo coaxing Kenma outside to simply get out of the house, they were far more handsy with one another than before.

Kenma would brush his knuckles up against the back of Kuroo's hand, and then their fingers would intertwine. Their hands interlocked in a perfect fit, as if they were made to be linked.

At their shared home, the physical affection amped up even more. A new habit between them had been born, goodnight hugs. Kuroo was almost always the first to go to bed for the night, and he made sure to check in on Kenma, remind him not to stay up too late, and then give his best friend a close hug before going back to his room. If Kenma was going to be streaming when Kuroo would be off to sleep, Kenma would peek into Kuroo's room a few minutes before the stream began, making sure to get his goodnight hug.

It didn't mean anything, though.

Kenma wished it meant something.

Fuck, he didn't know, did it mean something? How was he supposed to distinguish whether or not Kuroo's feelings were anything more than platonic when he had only figured his own out recently?

Yeah, okay, their friendship went further than most platonic ones, but it was just because they had known one another for so long! This was normal, it had to be. There was no chance of Kuroo feeling the same way.

Kenma squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head almost violently, growling at himself. He needed to keep his mind on track!

He was currently setting up for an overnight stream- one he had promised to do if he had reached a certain number of subscribers before the end of October. The 31st had come and gone, and Kenma had indeed reached his target milestone, meaning he owed everyone what he said.

Streaming had become less of a hassle since Kuroo had learned his secret, considering that Kenma had no need to plan his streams only when Kuroo would be away. Still, Kenma did avoid interacting with Kuroo while he was all dolled and dressed up. Perhaps it shouldn't have been, but it was still embarrassing to Kenma, letting someone from his real-life see him like that.

Now, Kuroo was off at his university, taking an exam that he had been stressing about for the past week. Since he would be streaming soon, and Kuroo still wasn't home, a goodnight hug was unlikely... Kenma hated how attached he had become to the act of affection so quickly.

One night without it wouldn't kill him, but he didn't have to be happy about it.

Kenma was about to be in for a long night, planning on going until he couldn't bear to keep his eyes open a moment longer, and he needed to be comfortable if he wanted to last.

Most of his outfits for streaming were far too intricate and a pain to get into. Not to mention the fact that he had to wear a ridiculous padded bra with nearly every single one of his tops- the majority of his things were tight-fitting and he couldn't risk being called out because he didn't have tits! It was humiliating, but you know what would be more humiliating? Being outed online as a fucking crossdresser and having his entire career ruined, most likely. Yeah, he would take a bra made for self-obsessed teens who thought that having bigger boobs would make up for their shit personality over the death of his career any day, thank you very much.

Gleefully forgoing the wretched piece of fabric from hell that was a bra, Kenma settled on an outfit within just a few minutes, thankfully no major internal conflicts arising from his choice of clothing. 

Despite his emotional turmoil, Kenma felt... okay. He didn't feel great, but he felt okay, which was a welcome change from his usual disgruntlement. 

After slipping on a pair of socks, Kenma made his way to the bathroom to put on enough makeup to at least conceal the bags under his eyes, make him appear a little less dead inside.

When he caught his full figure in the mirror, it amazed him how different he looked when he actually put effort into his appearance. He became a completely different person, dressed like this. It... made him feel good, seeing such a well put together version of himself. From head to toe, it all fit so wonderfully.

His feet were covered by a soft pink pair of ankle socks with two pom-poms on the sides, much like his cat-themed toe socks, they were children's socks, but they fit and they were cute, so that was alright. An airy and cream-colored chiffon skirt settled an inch above his ankles, just long enough to cover his legs while also leaving the socks visible. On top, he wore an oversized cardigan sweater in the same pink color of the socks, cute cream hearts scattered about. The sleeves were long enough for him to hide his hands in if they became cold, just how he liked it. The golden studs in his ears had been swapped for a newly homemade pair of dangly earrings with pom-poms at the ends to match his socks. 

And for once, Kenma clipped his hair back out of his face with pink barrettes. Usually, Kenma preferred to keep his hair free to fall in front of his eyes, but a change of pace was due to happen. His dark circles had been covered up and his lips had been coated in a thick gloss, one that he would have to reply multiple times throughout the night.

Everything matched so wonderfully, bringing Kenma a greater sense of peace.

With all other preparations complete, Kenma wandered out to the kitchen to scavenge for some snacks. Tonight would be fueled by a sugar high. He had no issue staying up late, but staying up whilst being required to talk to and entertain people? Yup, he would need additional energy to do that.

Humming a quiet tune while he gathered his unhealthy sustenance for the night, Kenma didn't hear the door being unlocked and didn't look up until he heard it open and close.

"Oh. Hi Kuro." Kenma now regretted pinning his hair back, his reddening ears were on full display. Again, he tried reminding himself that Kuroo said he didn't care that Kenma dressed like this, but that didn't stop the anxiety and embarrassment.

"Hey, I'm home, if you couldn't tell," Kuroo greeted.

Kenma could have sworn Kuroo's eyes opened wider than usual, and his cheeks appeared the slightest bit flushed.

_He was probably just surprised... and it's chilly outside, so of course his skin would be a bit red... that was all it was._

"How did your exam go? It didn't take as long as you said it would," Kenma asked, setting the snacks he had gathered down on the counter.

Kuroo shrugged his coat off and hung it on one of the hooks beside the door, "I feel like it went well, god, it feels so good to have it done and over with! Now I just want to relax and do nothing for the rest of the night! Are you down for a movie and takeout? I'll pay, of course."

"Ah..." Kenma hated to turn Kuroo down, but there was nothing else he could do, "I have to stream tonight."

Once his shoes were taken off, Kuroo came to rest his arms on the counter where Kenma was standing, "Really? I thought you never streamed on mondays."

"I don't usually, but I promised an overnight stream, so..." Kenma averted his eyes from Kuroo.

"Overnight? You shouldn't be up all night."

"You've lectured me on it a million times before, I know, I know. It's just this once."

"If you say so, but you better sleep in tomorrow, you'll get sick if you don't sleep at all."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I'll be fine, Kuro, you don't have to worry so much. But I have to start in like... five minutes, so I should finish getting ready..." Kenma trailed off, feeling slightly guilty for turning down Kuroo when Kuroo never turned down Kenma when he wanted to do something together.

"I'll get out of your hair then," Kuroo's disappointment was clear as day, a dejected expression on his face as he turned to go to his room.

_Fuck it._

"Wait- uh, Kuro?" Kenma sputtered out before he had a chance to think his words though, "You could... join me. On my stream, I mean. I know it isn't exactly the relaxing night you were thinking of, but... if you really wanted to do something with me, I mean."

Kuroo's eyes lit up like a child discovering the presents under a tree on Christmas day, "Wait, seriously?"

"Don't make me take it back."

"No, no, I'd love to! I've always wondered what you're like online! You're so secretive about it all!"

"Well, it's not like you've ever really asked about it, so I didn't have a reason to tell you anything."

"I know you like your privacy, I didn't want to invade!"

"You've been invading my privacy since we were eight- how many times did you come over unannounced at ungodly times in the night or morning?"

Kuroo sheepishly chuckled, "I mean... you're not wrong. Sorry."

"It doesn't matter, I don't really care if it's you," Kenma's voice dropped down to a mumble, halfway not wanting Kuroo to hear, "Don't be weird online tonight, and if you out my secret I will not hesitate to kill you live on camera in front of thousands of people. I'll go to prison for murder I do not give a single fuck."

"You could never so much as hurt me, we both know it! You love me too much!"

"Oh, wanna bet on that?" Kenma deadpanned, "Trust me, I know how to kick someone in the nuts."

"So vulgar! I'd like to preserve the use of those, you know!"

"Then don't test me, and that way you can keep your testes," Kenma laughed at his own stupid play on words, "I have to start the stream really soon, go get changed or whatever you need to do, but don't take too long."

"If it gets the subject off of my balls, then I'm more than ready right now."

"Good, then let's go. Grab your desk chair from your room, I only have my own, and it is definitely not big enough for two people."

"If you sat on my lap-"

"Kuro," Kenma warned.

"Alright, okay, fine, I'll be there in just a minute!"

"Good."

And with that, Kuroo walked briskly to his own room, pulling his wheeled desk chair out of the doorway and to the other bedroom of the apartment, Kenma's room. They usually hung out in Kuroo's room, so it was nice to have a change of scenery- plus he got to see Kenma get into his element in his online persona.

Yeah... his online persona was something else entirely. Kuroo was used to seeing Kenma in clothes three sizes too big for him, just sweatpants and old black hoodies, but when he had walked in and seen Kenma dressed up like that?

Kuroo was absolutely gone. He was surprised that he hadn't experienced a heart attack right there and then- Kenma looks so goddamn beautiful! Not that he didn't normally look drop-dead gorgeous, no, he was always incredibly pretty, but... wow. Just wow, that was all Kuroo could think of as a way to describe how Kenma looked.

Yup, he was absolutely whipped. Kenma has him wrapped around his finger, whether he knew it or not. Kuroo would have given his life if he could kiss those glossy lips even one time, if he could run his hands through that soft hair, cup the angelic face in front of his eyes. Kenma was so breathtaking, and angel, it wasn't fair at all- how could anyone possibly not have their heart stolen at first sight?

It was so, so unfair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo we got some fluff in here hell yes,,, still unsure how long this will be. i have another idea for one more angst arc before the ending, but im unsure if people would be cool with another angst arc? idk we shall see, please leave me some comments, they always make my day!! feel free to follow me over on insta @tsumilkys where i run an editing account! thank you!!


	14. hiatus;

hello all!!! i dont like to put out updates that arent actually updates, but i felt like i should let you all know that i am going on a hiatus for a bit. i am not abandoning this work, i will come back and complete it. right now, i really, really want to work on some other things, and if i just rush the ending on this to get it done with, it wont feel right. so im gonna take some time to work on a new project, and come back and give this the proper attention this work needs for its ending, i dont want to post a half-assed ending just because i felt like it needed to be done and over with. thank you all for reading, and i will return to this work when i am feeling the motivation for this again!!

i will be working on another kuroken work while this one is on hiatus. i am not certain when it will be up, but i am quite excited about it and hope you all understand me taking this break.

until next time, thank you!


End file.
